The Associated Press today announced that pedophile Jim Watkins has announced that he is nominating legendary shitposter Johnny Neptune™ as MOST EFFECTIVE TROLL EVER in his creepy imageboard Zig Forums.
"Neptune has literally kicked our ass at Zig Forums, as well as at The Goldwater", said Watkins today at a press conference held at the 'offices' of The Goldwater, which is in reality a wooden utility shed next to a filthy Filipino pig farm. "Neptune's only been coming to Zig Forums for a short time, and he has already had more of a negative effect on us than any other person since we started the shithole in the first place."
Users of the worthless imageboard Zig Forums have recently noticed the mods desperately trying to exert control over the situation caused by Neptune in such a short amount of time.
"The mods have never overreacted like this before, and it's been hilarious watching them freak out", said an 'anonymous' user of Zig Forums, who Neptune calls 'Sissyboy Sassypants'. "The mods are such wimpy little bitches, they've even resorted to removing the namefield so Neptune can't actually type his name."
R,,,,Insidersave flooded in that the latent homosexuals in /b/ are just as furious with Neptune as the mods and users who frequent Zig Forums. "I've never seen one man have such a drastic effect on Zig Forums since I first came here", said a longtime user of the piece of shit imageboard. "In such a short amount of time, he's caused more problems than any other troll, with no apparent end in sight."
But the problems don't end with Zig Forums, as Neptune has been infuriating the widely ridiculed online 'news organization's called The Goldwater. Insiders tell us that Watkins initially tried convincing the prostitutes who double as journalists at The Goldwater that Johnny Neptune was just a flash in the pan, but as time went by the illiterate staff began to notice Watkins become increasingly agitated.
"We would hear Jim crying at night" said Lexy, one of the Filipino prostitutes Watkins hired as makeshift 'journalists' for The Goldwater. "It kept us awake because when he cries it sounds kind of like an old woman in pain."
Two days ago, Steve Dellar, another staff member at The Goldwater reported that Watkins was throwing office furniture and smashing small appliances as he repeated "Why, Why Why?!!" Dellar told reporters "Jim put on his old Boy Scout Leader uniform, slicked his hair back with his own feces, and was last seen running towards a transsexual nightclub, screaming Neptune's name repeatedly."
Then yesterday, Watkins went into seclusion, leading to speculation that he may have committed suicide. Reporters were surprised when Watkins called a press conference, not because a press conference is out of the ordinary, but because Jim had the NAMBLA logo on the wooden walls of his pigfarm toolshed, a gay pride flag displayed, and two young Caucasian boys that he had been grooming in a basement closet for the past two weeks.
"I'm honored to nominate Johnny Neptune as the KING OF ROCKIN' TROLLS at Zig Forums", said Watkins. "Since he first logged in such a short time ago, he has entertained thousands, and infuraited millions. He's made me into his bitch, and it is for that reason that I admit being defeated by Neptune."
After the press conference, Watkins was allegedly hospitalized on an inpatient basis at a local Filipino psychiatric hospital, as he prepares for his upcoming arrest for child pronography charges, and extradition back to the United States to be prosecuted.
thegoldwater.com
