Well looks like this isn't bait, I'll go ahead and bite.
I'm going through a similar situation in my life as well, the longer I live on this planet, the more I realize the truths of God's Word and how much of a cruel dog-eat-dog world it is. On the other hand, it's hard to shed of my worldly and sinful inclinations, because I know if I had the God-given intellect and wealth, I wouldn't really be seeking God at the level I'm at right now. At the same time, I just read the news today of a homeless man that ate a bunch of Oreos laced with toothpaste and vomited it all up, turns out that homeless man was a former pastor of a church back in his home country. Would that be my prize for serving God, is that the end result of picking up the cross on a daily basis? I know life is difficult living as a Christian as it is, but does it really have to be that pitiful? Will that be my retirement living in the streets after a life dedicated to God?
Life knows two miseries; getting what you don't want and not getting what you want.
Sometimes, deep in my heart I feel an array of emotions that I can't express to God, but I know He feels what I'm going through. Some days, I sit in my room and feel "sad" out of nowhere. "No," I tell myself, "I have to fight, I cannot give up." At the same time, whenever I feel this sadness, it's like a deep dark endless pit that swallows up all of my hopes, dreams, love… everything. I crack open the Bible, turn to where I left off – 2 Thessalonians – and read intently, taking notes, but… it doesn't work. That feeling, that darkness won't go away. Perhaps all those years of falling away from the faith, of leaving behind Jesus Christ and spitting in His Face repeatedly has finally caught up on me now.
The genius of the hole: no matter how long you spend climbing out, you can still fall back down in an instant.
At this point, I can only rely on my childhood. Those were happy times and I smile whenever I think about them. I still remember innocently reading the Bible as a child, I loved reading the Bible growing up. I guess God did bless me after all and it was my decision to forsake Him – to eat that forbidden fruit.
I lied to myself that it was over. I was still alive. It wasn't over.
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