Am I a bad person? I can't take it

Read the entire story. I feel for you user. What kind of pathological and chronic and sadistic vengeful clinging does a person have to possess to rumourmonger and hound another from late childhood unto almost adulthood and possibly into it.

Then again. Monster are not born, they are made by men to be slain by men so he can claim glory and boast that he is righteous. Don't be a monster, seek professional help if you need it. Get /fit/ both physically and spiritually, become stronger. To the point that even if they will hound you into adulthood you will have the courage and strength to tell them to winnie the pooh off and stop being such a prick and turn it around. For goodness' sake, proper adults drop this school-yard bully/social bully shit like in the freshmen year.

Sorry, I cannot help you more than offering advice. But I will pray for you. And know that you have sanctuary here.

he's probably just disappointed that you gave up on the homo stuff

I did and they were a bit too rough on me haha

Thank you for understanding me. On tuesday I did experience paranoia and was going to cut class and drop out of college because I thought everyone thought I was a monster. I spent my lunch at the bus station waiting for the bus and then it when it was supposed to come it said it was half an hour late so I went back to class and got there 15m late. Then the class acted nice to me as they must have thought I was just shy. So it made me realise it was all in my head. But this is a reccuring thing. I'm going to complete college now and try to make friends.

You're looking for safety in religion and not Jesus Christ. You don't need the fear of man, fear naught but God. Seek Jesus Christ, not religious institutions, including (no offense guys) a place like this where advice comes from religiosity rather than exactly what the Holy Bible tells you.

Get peace as well. Start today. What are you doing that's keeping you in bondage? Shelter and power. You are a Child of God if you've given your heart to our Lord and Saviour, don't let the enemy tell you otherwise.

blogtalkradio.com/firefall-talk-radio/2017/10/26/the-porch--peace-be-still

The beginning of your story is similar to mine, thank God I had no internet at that age. My father died, I was bullied and I turned violent, started several fights in school.
To think that if I had porn I would be way more winnie the poohed up than I am currently.

Ok let's do this.
You probably believe a lot of BS about yourself and the world around you, start by not trusting your thoughts. When the usual chat in your mind starts don't argue with it but think of hymns about God, praise the Lord, elevate your soul.

Your social skill as not as retarded as you think, your thoughts are retarded, the things you do when you try to control the outcome or give in to anxiety are retarded. It's not that difficult to be a normal person, everyone has the basic skill, just stop overthinking it and trying clever workaraound that backfires horribly.
Someone don't want to shake your hand? Who cares? Don't overthink it, just let it go. Don't make it a bigger deal in your head.

It doesn't matter what people think about you, it only matters what YOU think about yourself and what God thinks of you. Now, we know God is infinitely good and merciful, so if you repent he is going to forgive you but can you forgive yourself? Or, can you accept God's forgivance?
Plenty of people, myself included, hate parts of themselves so much they don't really believe in God's forgivance, they think they are not worthy and that God would never forgive them. While it's true that we are not worthy God's mercy is unlimited, far above our own understanding of forgivance.

Let's start from here. You say "It's going to happen again"
Again, stop being burdened by the old man and what he did. You converted and accepted Jesus, let the new man be born.
"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you" (Psalm 55) "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:30)

Don't overthink, don't follow your irrational thoughts, don't act as if you expecy everyone to think you are disgusting, approach every social situation with a simple heart.
Have trust in God and leave your heavy burden behind.

Hi Luther

Good luck user. May God help you.

Btw OP when you larped as a pedo, raper etc you were still a teenager so no one will give a winnie the pooh about that outside your family and close one's but even them will forget that in one or two years once they find out you grew up.

...

Thank you, finally someone who's been through something similar.

I am not violent. So all the anger and frustration I expressed toward girls because all my friends were girls and they bullied me multiple times.

I started a new college (my 4th further education institute) recently and I've wanted to drop out because I was angry and frustrated about how poor my social skills were. It's as if I have this mental block that makes me want to run and hide in the bathroom stall. For instance, today all my class was in a lounge area at lunch and I had just come out of the bathroom. I sat down then immediatley got up and went to the bathroom again because I cringed at the thought of socialising with them. Yeah they may not think i'm a creep yet, but I cringe at making friends, especially with females. And a girl was there who likes me and has made is explicitly clear by calling me cute in class and smiling at me. And if she didn't like me she'd be leading me on. I'm maturer than I was in highschool and I want to settle down but even without the thoughts there, there is somekind of repulsion within me. This has happened over and over since highschool. Now it's not funny. I'll go celibate if that's what God wants me to be gladly but I can't keep going on where a girl expresses a like towards me and I cannot physically respond. All I can do is look, as if I'm trapped in my own body. I'm done with it. If she isn't the one then I'll live the celibate lifestyle.

I can't live the rest of my life like this. I get angry at the thought of being friendly with a girl.

Sell your possessions and start a new clean life in some eastern European country like Lithuania for example

See this is what I said. Your social skills are not poor, it's that you don't use them. This mental block makes you act in a cringy way, gives you bad ideas, maybe it freeze you, demotivates, make you angry.
I'm sure your social skills do not make you hyde in the bathroom with people you are comfortable with.
So, first of all remember this: it's not the social skills, it's this cringy autopilot you have.

People who go celibate wills it. I don't think this is a call to celibacy if a girl likes you and you want to go celibate because there is something that makes you unable to interact with her against your will. I'm not saying you don't have a call but I don't think it would manifest itself by making you incapable of interacting with the opposite sex.

Now the big deal, you say you feel some kind of repulsion at making friends, especially with girls.
I may be wrong but I think this is about you not accepting something in yourself. Not forgiving something in yourself. As if you can't accept the idea some people can like you as a friend or love you. As if you think someone who like you must be wrong.
Or it could be an emotional scar that happen when you lose someone you love that made you scared of caring about someone. This is my case, I feel an instinctive repulsion when talking about feelings (even now while I'm writing), I don't like to display affection with words or actions, ever since my Father died I constantly have horrible thoughts about losing other people in my family.

This kind of issues are very difficult to heal, because they are often based on something inconscious.
They heal through behaviour, not through thinking, so it's going to be slow and hard. I'm also walking this path, I'm 27 and you have more time than me to work on this.
What can you do? You need to build trust with people, to get involved in a community, to learn to accept others and be accepted by them.
A community is a gym, a group of people you share an hobby with and also your college social groups. But above I mean a religious community like a church or a youth catholic group.
You don't need to force yourself into a group you don't like, but when you find one that you enjoy you will need to resist your avoidant thoughts and stick with it.
Since you will have many difficulties and contradictory thoughts and feelings about this, it would greatly help you to have someone you can talk to and who can give you advice and encouragment about it. A spiritual father, more than a simple confessor, is needed.
I also think therapy would greatly benefit you, just avoid freudian BS, maybe ask your church to recommend a therapist if they know one. I recommend Cognitive behavioural therapy.

God bless you user. I will go right now and pray a rosary for you. That is what my friend said: that I believe I don't deserve someone who could love me. I spent my formulative years ( 13- 16/17) on R9k. Thank God you are here. What I learned at Church today (it's sunday) is that we all suffer and God will reward us for what we endured at the end. Right now, my priest said, the more we suffer, the less wickedness is in the world.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. Becoming Catholic was the best thing that ever happened to me. I spent my highschool years bottled up and people had no idea what was going on. I just didn't think people cared. But I have to be honest. And a youth catholic group is a good idea. I just hope I can find one. And a therapist makes sense too.

My prayers are not much but I will remember about you and pray for you to find a good community.
I don't browse here every day, but I will check from time to time to see if I can be of help in the future, if you have others doubts. Don't disappear.

I have a large chip on my shoulder and I cannot and do not want to get rid of it. I don't direct it at anyone particular but society in general. Especially girls. I just can't shake it.

Do you have grudge also? Against society?

Only superficially. It's very common to direct anger outward when we feel something is wrong.
While I do believe society is upside down and really makes the situation of people like me or you worse, I don't think it's the main source of my state. The same can be said for parenting.
No, I think my unresolved issue are mainly about myself and my relationship with others.

Hey I realised I couldn't pretend I didn't have a problem anymore and decided to get help. I took psychosis meds for 2 weeks before and stopped them stupidly (i was suspicious of course) but I've realised I need help and need to get back on the meds. So I'm seeing my GP.

Thank God. I have psychosis and i hate myself for it. Since I was 11-13 I've had delusions.

Thank you for being there for me. I prayed and prayed today while I was out skipping class because of the social anxiety and delusions that I was happening. I came back to college and looked up the symptons of psychosis and I had just cut contact with my friends and was with my brother overseas and planning on retreating into my room. I had also canceled and froze my videogame rental sub and movie rental sub.

I feel alone.

As I said, community is of primary importance. Religious community first of all, but also college, gym and friends.
It's also very important that you have guidance, both spiritual and psychological. Be in touch with an expert who can oversee your treament with meds and lead you to overcome social anxiety one small step at the time.

I keep reading that you need a spirtual director. But how do I get one? Who would be my spiritual director? Is everyone required to get one? And I've been referred to a psychariatist.

Thank you for speaking to me.

Take up football/soccer.

Well it turns out I most likely have anxiety and OCD. Going to an assessment soon. Just to keep you updated. It will be treated with CBT.

Hope things get better for you user. Ill pray for you tonight

John 15:18 If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.

Search for a good priest, confess, if he understands you and his advice is helpful then you found a spiritual director. Tell him you would like to speak with him again and confess often. A spiritual director is a priest that knows who you are and can keep track of your religious and personal life and help you.
Often monasteries have the more gifted spiritual directors, you can go for a retreat for a few days, pray with them, spend times with the monks, help them in their daily works and then ask who can you confess to. For western monasticism I recommend Benedictines, the oldest order.

(it's still me, replying)

"am I a bad person?"
dumb question, OP. Read the Bible "none are righteous, no, not one"

ah then I had one but he moved to a different church. I confessed last weekend and it was with a new priest and was a bit taken back when he asked me how old I was and if I was married because I took for granted my priest knowing me just by my past confessions.

thanks

Yeah, but where do you draw the line in a world where there are so many grey areas? Yes, of course I want to be holy and righteous, but at what point do I balance out what makes sense living in this world vs. literally forsaking all and carrying your cross? This is what drives me nuts sometimes…

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