Whole Foods gets even Whole Foodsier with DIY almond milk stations

These are the facts: NüMilk, a startup that seems to be doing exactly this one thing, is piloting almond milk machines in at least two Whole Foods locations in New Jersey (per VegNews). The machine offers two almond milk options. You can but it in a bottle from the refrigerator portion of the machine (for $3.99). You can also fill an empty bottle with freshly-made almond milk from a dispenser in the machine. It’s like the DIY peanut butter dispensers you find in places like Whole Foods, but for almond milk. Makes sense. If you like almond milk, then this is a way to get very fresh almond milk, poured at one assumes is a glacial pace into an appropriate receptacle. That’s all. End of actual news.

But here I must confess that for whatever reason, this machine exists in my head as a big, hulking thing large enough to contain a human being. That human being’s name is Jared. (Originally Brian, but Takeout E.I.C. Kevin Pang suggested that my fictional almond milk elf is really more of a Jared, and he’s right.) Jared, who used to be a barista at Starbucks but quit when it got too corporate, loves almond milk. Like, he loves it. Humans aren’t supposed to drink milk from cows, did you know that? Oh, you did? He’s going to tell you about it anyway, because well, actually, it’s not our way, that’s just something we’ve been sold by Big Dairy. He saw that NüMilk was hiring and just knew that was what he was meant to do. His job is to sit inside the machine on a tiny little stool and wait for someone to push the almond-milk button. Then he puts down the copy of Chuck Palahniuk’s Choke he’s been rereading, takes off his flip-flops, and stomps almonds like he’s crushing grapes for wine. It takes a long, long time. It’s his favorite thing to talk about on dates.

I have absolutely nothing against almond milk, I swear. I kinda like almond milk. It’s light and the vanilla-flavored kind is good in coffee. But we’ve all got a Jared in our lives, don’t we?

thetakeout.com/diy-almond-milk-machine-whole-foods-pilot-test-1830823271

forgot pix

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Does almond milk give me breasts?

No, it will probably give you diabetes though from all that added sugar that gets put in it to make it not taste like arse.

THAT IS NOT MILK. THAT IS ALMOND JUICE YOU DUMB NIGGERS.

Not sure about Almond juice but soy juice does. It's called gynecomastia and is more commonly known as bitch tits.

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almond juice is good

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No, it is milk in the context of cuisine, just as a tomato is a vegetable.

No. No it isn't. A tomato is a vegetable because of plant shitters - botanists - not chefs.
Milk is only from animal lactation, otherwise it's a juice, oil, or extract.

"Whole Faggots. Gay Foods. Fuck these retards." - Steve Jobs

Seriously though every day I think these faggots can't possibly get any gayer and they always out do themselves. Can't wait until the FAGGOT bubble bursts. There's a good chances millions of people simultaneously have a mental breakdown soon.

No, botanically, a tomato is a fruit.

But almonds don't have titties

succ nut milk

I don't know what you expect such a breakdown to look like, but it's already a fact that self-reported mental illness and suicide are at all-time highs.

I'm a nigger and wrote vegetable when I meant fruit.

/thread
so sick of these demented delusional retard cunts calling any sugary white liquid 'milk'
"hang on, just downing a glass of penis milk"

at least you didn't write milk instead of juice.

Is the almond milk activated?

Will they let you milk your own almonds? I have never so much as grabbed an almond by the udders, let alone done any milking, so I'm excited to learn how to milk one.

-T. Dairy Lobby

t. soylent

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How the fuck do people actually think this is related to soy in any way? Fuck you retard, kill yourself. Soy isn't even bad smh.

Much like yourselves, the tomato is a fruit.

TV-JUNKIE HAS GONE TO PROMOTING AMAZON COMMERCIALS TOO! WOW.