Me and my husband have 3 sons, but both of us noticed that our second child, while working hard to please us and help us in any way he can, simply doesn't evoke the same feelings of love and care from either one of us like the oldest and youngest sons do. I have struggled with this for a year now. I tried to push myself to be more loving and caring towards him, but I think he can see that it's out of pity. It's even worse, because he pushes himself hard and tried to earn our love through doing chores, doing well in school and even coming to church every sunday without a complaint. But I just don't love him like I do my other two kids. And if I pretend I know that he can tell that it's just out of pity. Me and my husband both work fulltime, but he is even more reluctant to deal with this than I am. He often buries himself into work so that he has an excuse for not having the strength to deal with this.
What scares me the most is that my husband's family was very similar. He was the oldest of three brothers, and the middle child was also neglected, and abused, and he turned out gay.
I tried to tell my husband that he MUST spend a lot of time with our second son and develop a kind of father-son bond, or he will be a reprobate, but he told me that he just doesn't like the idea of taking private vacations with the single one of his kids that he doesn't like.
What do I do, /christian? I feel like we are both awful people, and I don't know if it's even too late already? He is just 11 years old now, but I am afraid he will go down on a path of sin in order to make up for the love we simply couldn't give him.
Act like you love him and you will start to love him.
Nathaniel Cooper
You work full time and you want your children to love you? That’s not going to be a reality. You need to do it Gods way. Read proverbs 31. You can start a home business( or manage your husbands business) or… You can work a job from home Spending more time with your children is how a bond develops. Don’t push this all on your husband for not developing a father-son bond.
David Bell
You are indeed a bad parent. You should be a full time mother not a career feminist. Quit your job and take care of your children. You probably don't have an emotional attachment because you didn't foster one at the developmental first years. A mother who works without necessity mortally sins
Andrew Perez
I'm not doing that, but he needs to be a father to them. I can't handle this alone. He needs to spend time with them, instead of just coming home to sleep. I can't give them a masculine role model.
Dominic Edwards
Who is watching your children?
Daniel Adams
They are in school and then they are at home until one of us gets back. I'm from Europe, it's a thing, people do this, and it's not uncommon at all where I live.
Jace Long
Calm the frick down. I'd suggest taking time away from work or starting a work-from-home business. Pull your kids out of public schools as well, nothing but secular trash brainwashing. You'd be amazed at the results of what spending close personal time with your children does in developing loving bonds.
Jonathan Reyes
It's literally illegal where I live. Now I know that I should put in more effort into raising my own kids, but that won't solve the problem of them having a positive masculine model in their lives. How do I get my husband to raise his damn kids? The few times he spends time with them the kids all have a terrible time. He is also very dissmissive of them, and all my kids told me that they don't like him. I feel like we are in a terrible place, and I can't save this situation alone. What will he say when I tell him that I'd prefer to work as a part time nurse instead of full-time?
Kevin Watson
I would still recommend working from home as you mentioned there is time where your kids are home alone if I read that correctly. Have you brought your issues up with your priest/pastor? While it sounds like your husband needs to work on things I suggest working on your own issues first, remember the mote and the beam. I'll be praying for you and your family.
Dominic Garcia
Thank you. I think talking to the priest might be a good idea. May God bless you.
Michael Edwards
Well, this is going to sound rude, but it really isn't the wife's job to tell the husband what he needs to be doing. A man is more likely to do the opposite of what a woman is telling him to do. Pushing this any further is bound to cause more divisions. All you can do is follow your husbands lead and pray that he comes to realize his own errors. Also I grew up in a very similar situation to the one you find yourself in and I didn't become a reprobate, so I wouldn't worry about that.
David Reyes
Offtopic post, please disregard.
Christian Hernandez
Dear mother,
First you should know that all your problems are extremely common. There are many mothers who think they love one of their children less. Consider this: maybe you love all your children but in different ways. We love our parents in one way, we love our spouse in another way, we love our brothers and sisters differently, we love our children in different ways. They are different people after all and our different love means we respect their own individuality.
Of course, you should try to love equally all your children. The worst thing to do, however, is if you feel guilty about your second son. The children always sense the feelings of their parents. If you feel guilty about your second son, deep inside he will think that he is responsible for this, he will grow considering himself unworthy, lacking self-confidence, unsocial, and so on.
I recommend that you read the book "The Five Love Languages (of children)" by Gary Chapman. This book will give you many ideas how to improve the connection between you and your son.
I'm not OP, but this is a beautiful post. Thank you.
Adrian Gray
Nice copypasta
Logan Murphy
Just compliment and love him. Even if you don't feel like doing it.
Adam Ortiz
It sounds to me like the problem now lies with your husband. I say confront him, and remind him of his duty as a father. If still he refuses and will not forge that bond with your sons, tell him that he is not a man, he is a failure of a man, like a cuckold or deserter or a sodomite. Do so in as much of a genuinely disgruntled and disappointed tone as you can. I certainly can't make any judge of character of anyone in your family, but I know objectively if he has retained the masculine sanity which most men have lost, you could probably expect him to naturally be enraged at such an insult, and might even strike you, but I'd say that is sure proof you have gotten to him.
Gavin Lopez
His duty? Sounds like he’s doing his duty and working like a man, how God commanded. God commanded women to be keepers at home. Are you going to argue with God?
Justin Wilson
And the man teaches his sons the skills they need to survive and provide, he isn't absent from their lives. You think Eve taught Cain and Abel how to hunt?
Jaxon Jones
What's more important Your children Or Your carrier ?
Brayden Williams
And… what argument are you making here? If having a full time job makes you fully absent from your child’s life, then it means both people in this situation are neglecting their children. Do you have ANY scripture from God that justifies a mother working a full-time job outside the home?
Gabriel Cruz
Home-school and work from home. This is the only answer for a woman.
