Meanwhile, in Rome, in the palace of Julius Caesar

Ave Anonymous! I have summoned you here because i have a problem that only you can solve. Mostly on account of I have thrown all others who tried to the lions.

I, the great Julius Caesar, have conquered all the world. From the shores of Hispania to the edge of Syria. Truly, the sun never sets on the Roman empire. How many other empires do you know who can claim that?

With the exception being THIS ONE SPECK OF A VILLAGE IN BRITTANIA!!!! EVERY PLAN, EVERY SCHEME I HAVE TRIED IS FOILED. THANKS TO THEM, MY SENATE, MY CITY, MY EMPIRE THINK ME A FOOL.

That, however, is why you are here Anonymous. Have you heard of the expression "No man is more dangerous than one who has nothing to lose?" Well after learning of you and how small, shallow and mundane your life is, I could think of no man who better exemplifies this saying. Since you have nothing to lose, I will be sending you bring this village to heel.

The Gauls defeat my armies because they have a magic potion, brewed by their druid Getafix, which gives them the strength of 15 men each and makes them impervious to all known means of harm. Then there is the mighty Obelix. A fat, stupid man is he, but the gauls say he fell into the aforementioned potion when he was but a babe, so it's effects are permanent on him. Last, but most assuredly not least, is Asterix, the greatest warrior in all of Gaul. Not only is he never without a flask of the potion, but his is without a doubt the most cleaver of those cursed peasants. More than any other, Asterix is the one you must be most wary of.

That will be all for your briefing. Use an means necessary to get rid of Getafix, Obelix and Asterix and bring that village to it's knees. If you do, I will grant you wealth and privileges you could not have fathomed in your wildest dreams. If you fail, you shall be given front row seats with the lions in the circus. GO!!

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Blackmail gaulish children of other regions.
Ask them complete surrender or they will be responsabile for the death of children of their own kind

everytime someone mentions rome i cant help but think about that one rome comic

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>And quit playing with that knife, Brutus. You're going to hurt somebody.

Looks European. What is it?

Here's the plan.

>Take 10 legions worth of men
>Surround the Gaul's territory 15 miles away from the village
>Everyone starts digging straight down
>Set the Gaul adrift in the North Sea

I'll take a governorship in Anatolia, please.

Anonius, I would recommend against this plan
For now, be it due to stubbornness or some kind of tribalistic honor the druid has refused to share his potion with the surrounding gaulish villages and cities
However should we result to such tactics I fear they may renege on this and perhaps incite a larger revolt
We have it on good authority they retain in close contact with subversive elements in Britannia and Belgica

Genius! There's no way those gauls will ever foil this plan!

I'm going to need good, loyal troops. Not the ones who self-sabotage by backstabbing, not the lazy, feckless drunks, good, obedient troops who wish only to serve the empire. And I'm going to need a lot of them.

The intel you've provided me says that the Gauls have friends in Hispania, Egypt, Briton, and Rome herself. We will need these friends tailed covertly by assassins.

Go to the Gauls. Tell them that their friends lives are on the line. As long as they behave, they will live. This is enforced by strict observation of the village (again, by dutiful soldiers, not shirkers) and headcounts every morning and evening.

The assassins will have standing orders. If they receive word via carrier pigeon that the gauls have rebelled, eliminate their targets. If they do NOT receive word every week, eliminate their targets. Messages will be encoded.

Make it clear to occupying forces that anyone who mistreats a gaul will be put to the sword immediately.

Begin Romanization. Rebuild the mansions of the Gods. Pacify the chieftan by making him a senator in Rome. Find a woman attracted to dumb brutes and give her to the dumb brute. The gaulish bard is quite popular with younger citizens- send him on a world tour. Destroy all mistletoe within a fifty mile radius. Destroy the forest.

With Gauls pacified and Romans surrounding them, the last center of resistance will be washed away.

What if our conquered land gets flown upon the sea, our holes cause a geyser, or the Gauls land attach to another land like Hibernia(Ireland) or Iceland?