Hey Zig Forums I turn 30 years old today

Sweet, another one for the council.

Don't move the goalpost.

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Because internet porn is free, more convenient and can't give you an STD or make you pay child support.

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I remember having her r63 version look like Voldemort and turning Cake the cat's body into a THICC human lady.

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Oh and happy birthday...
If I wasn't so inept I'd draw Fionna in her undies coming out of Cake's mouth (who is...shaped like a pop out cake -_-).

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Can you pay a prostitute to genuinely love you? No you can't, so why do you want OP to waste his money?

Tell me wizard user, how do you deal with the existential dread of knowing that you're not socially well-adjusted enough to have gotten laid in your early teens?
I use fantasy escapist fiction and my work.

So does masturbation disqualify me from wizardhood? Or is it just not laying with a woman?
I'm three years off and I don't want to get fucked on a technicality.

I'll be 30 in a couple months myself, but unlike you, I have a date lined up!

Uh, after lockdown is over.

Hate and spite!

If you're a heterosexual male and you can't get a female human of legal age to fuck you consensually, when you reach 30 you become a wizard.

*without paying
Paying a prostitute is not valid to escape wizardhood because she doesn't want you, she just wants money. Would she fuck you for free? No? Then it doesn't count.

>you're not socially well-adjusted enough to have gotten laid in your early teens?
Getting laid in your early teens alone wouldn't have made you well-adjusted. Losing your virginity can give you the confidence boost and motivation to take better care of yourself, but not if you were already a narcissistic spaz. Plenty of toxic and dumb people get can fuck every day and that won't give them any self-awareness at all.

Most likely the sex you're not having is not your only issue.

I buy comics and constantly give people gifts (like just have in my car novelty bottle openers or blurays on hand in case it was someone's birthday recently or some shit).
I'm basically seeing if I can become santa.

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>Would she fuck you for free?
Well by that logic, the majority of men are wizards since they needed to buy their way to sex with dates, movies, free food (for the woman, of course, not for them) and various gifts.
Just because money didn't exchange hands, it doesn't mean there wasn't payment.

That sounds... draining. Buying gifts for people, I mean.

Nah it's honestly not hard.
I mean when they're not expecting a gift they appreciate anything free, and the surprise of the gift being something unexpected can be just the fun part of the gift itself.
Some slapchop and fast-food gift card, a Blu-ray of Meatballs and a party pack of whoppers candy, a travel version of battleship and a microwave brownie kit.
Just the small random shit you see at the store and go "oh huh a foam nerf gun that looks like a llama wonder who'd buy that" I buy that and give it to you.

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Nigga are you saying you havent jerked off in three years?

He's saying he hasn't jerked off his entire life.

Lack of masturbation only helps with creative energy, and maybe lack of sleep.
27 years without jacking it do you only need 4 hours of sleep a day or something?!

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I haven't reached Wizard status yet, but here, have a DOOM. Considering he's canonically fucked only two women his entire life, and lost his virginity in his 20s at the earliest (and even that's a stretch, unreliable narrator and all), I feel a kinship with this autist.

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