>My wife comes home late one night with Killer Croc on her arm
>She says, "Honey, this is the ugly mug I've been cheating on you with"
>I say, "I can't believe you'd do this to me!"
>She says, "I wasn't talking to you"
>No respect, no respect at all
My wife comes home late one night with Killer Croc on her arm
David Edwards
Other urls found in this thread:
youtube.com
youtube.com
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Chase Ortiz
Based Rodney Dangerfield poster
Adam Turner
bump
Jayden Ramirez
>So my girl wants me to move to Gotham, right?
>I know! Classic fuckin' female idea. They saw one Tim Burton movie, and now they're ready to just fuck your life up.
>So natually, I say no. But like an IDIOT, I make the classic rookie mistake of being honest with a woman. Instead of making up some bullshit about my career--"I'd love to honey, but I'm in talks with Netflix to star as Jimmy Olsen"--instead of that SENSIBLE path, I decide no, I'm going to tell her the truth.
>So I say, "No. Gotham's a hellhole, and I don't want to move there." Full stop.
>Of course, this is just the opening volley. Now it's her serve. "Oh my GAWD, Bill! What's the MATTER with you?" And she starts--I love this one--she starts in with the tourism pitch. "It's not like it was in the '80s, you know. It's a nice city now, they've got a WATERFRONT, there's an ARTS FAIR, there's a statue of HARVEY DENT in the park they built after Poison Ivy blew up an elementary school--"
>And of course, I can't just let this bullshit go, like a normal person. No, I'm a psycho.
>I'm like, "Gee, honey, I don't know, how about the fact that there's TEN MILLION ARMED LUNATICS flying around KILLING PEOPLE?" I mean, you can't go out to see the Gotham fucking Chipmunks or whatever pathetic excuse for a pro sports team they've got out there without getting kidnapped for ransom by the fuckin' Candy-Cane Cobbler or whoever the fuck. Next thing you know Batman's driving a roided-up Lincoln Futura up the side of a mountain while you're strapped to an atomic easter bunny or some shit.
>It's fuckin' BRUTAL, I know!
>But of course, this opens me up to ANOTHER classic female move, and whaddya know, she starts crying.
>"W-w-we always do wh-what you want, w-w-we never do what I want."
>"That's 'cause what I want doesn't get us KILLED, you moron! What I want is to watch the damn game and have a beer! It's not that FUCKIN' HARD TO UNDERSTAND!"
>One guy. One chauvinistic jackass out there knows what I'm sayin'.
Matthew Roberts
Does he have any good videos on youtube? I just see the boring reacts to email stuff.
David Phillips
He's got like five specials on Netflix that are all great. Youtube pretty much only has stuff from his podcast (which is also pretty good)
Kevin Mitchell
Here's some stuff:
youtube.com
youtube.com
His best special in my opinion is "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way" but there doesn't seem to be much of it on YT.
Ryan Martin
Now this is comedy.
Lincoln Powell
ol billy freckletits
Nathaniel Walker
>I dated an American girl once
>Lovely young woman from Central City. Classic midwestern blonde: blue eyes, long legs, cracking tits. Great personality, great in bed.
>The only problem was this nickname she had for me. After we'd been together a while, she called me "The Flash."
>It got so bad I had to call her out on it. I said, "Margaret, I wish you'd be a little more respectful. A lot of men have trouble lasting long in the bedroom, and comments like the ones you've been making aren't helping anyone. Men have self-esteem issues too, and I think that you should take a little more care with your words."
>And she said, "You're right, and I'm sorry. But if you want me to stop calling you that, you really HAVE to stop exposing yourself in public."
>*sips beer*
Jace Ross
>I was like 12 years old and my dad walked up to me and he said,
>“Hello. Hello, I’m Chip Mulaney, your father.”
>And he said the following:
>“You know Alan Scott was one of the great Justice Society of America Members and Green Lanterns of the 20th century, but sometimes, he would be gay. And according to a biography I read of him, when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best hero work.”
>Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that.
>I don’t know if he was discouraging me from being gay or encouraging me to be a member of the Justice Society of America, but that is how he thought to phrase it to a 12-year-old boy.
>How would that ever work?
>Like, years later, I’d be in college, about to go down on some rockin’ twink and I’d be like,
>“Wait a second. What would Alan Scott do?”
>I never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I’d tell all of you.
Oliver Ross
Quality posts anons
Henry Hall
>Candy-Cane Cobbler
Why do I want this villain now?
Kayden Murphy
>I went with Bane to the Coconut Club, and sat down at the piano. I tried to jimmy the lid open to change the record, but it turns out you need the keys. "This is dedicated to Bane - Don't cry for me, Argentina". He said he was from Cuba. I said, "my mistake, go ahead and cry." He got sore and left in a huff. I left in a taxi.
Parker Martinez
>Cuba
So close to a good joke
Parker Robinson
> I could have sworn he said Cuba, but it could have been Aruba, a tuba, or maybe even New Jersey. If he's going to be in America he should speak Spanish like the rest of us.
(I really have no flipping clue where he's from, tho.)
Landon Smith
This is a good thread.
Benjamin James
>Ladies and gentlemen, you know who the worst person in Gotham City is?
>And I mean the worssssst. The scummiest, grimiest, most shit-eating piece of SEWER FILTH in that overstuffed abomination they have the INDECENCY to insist is a thriving American metropolis.
>Not the Joker. At least he’s honest about wanting to screw you. That alone makes him better than Congress, AT&T, the IRS, the cable company, and your SPOUSE.
>Who else could it be, HAAAH? Scarecrow? Bane? Killer Croc? None of em, and here’s why.
>The worst person in Gotham City...is Bruce Wayne.
>Yes, Bruce Wayne. The richest, neediest, most out-of-touch CEO-philanthropist-model-socialite-WASTE OF RESOURCES in a city that really knows how to waste em.
>Think about it. Bruce Wayne is the head of Wayne Enterprises-Industries-Manufacturing-Consortium Incorporated, Ltd. This motherfucker makes more money when he FARTS than you do in a year. And what does he do with it? What does he do with the BILLIONS he makes?
>...
>NOTHING! He does NOTHING! His job is to have a NAME!
>Yet this airheaded frat boy likes to pretend he's just a superhero. How many times have you seen him announcing some charity event? 'It's time to clean up Gotham.' You heard that one? ‘A new dawn for our city.’
>And what does he do? Does he get out there and help? Of course not! He writes a check, smiles for a picture in Shallow Asshole Monthly, and goes to his mansion for more hookers and blow!
>You think Bruce Wayne could walk around at night in Gotham city? He'd get jumped by the very disenfranchised youth he so passionately supports in between plowing models! If he cares so much about his city, how come Gotham still has ZEPPELINS, HAAH? Answer me THAT!
Benjamin Cruz
> Speaking of speaking Spanish, I asked Batman why he didn't leave that dusty old cave, and get a new modern cave in a better neighborhood. He had considered West Hollywood, but the market for emotionally damaged men in rubber body suits was saturated. That was never a dealbreaker in Gotham, so I grilled the bat - grilled, not boiled, I'm not a fan of traditional Chinese food. A lung with a lesion isn't kosher. He admitted he was afraid of running into Zorro, and getting sued for being a knock off. "But Bruce", I said, "you're nothing like Zorro. You have Robin. Zorro has talent."
Isaac Wright
Waiting patiently for the Louie one
Matthew Sanchez
>Bill does a gig in Gotham and ends up roasting the whole city on stage.
Aiden Ramirez
Keep it bumped I'll see what I can do
Alexander Perry
Bane is from Corto Maltese
Original skit is Cuba, but to keep in Comic accurate it would have been funnier with corto maltese
Camden Sanchez
Love me some George Carlin
Thanks user
Jaxson Garcia
I'll have to google that later. When I was your age Cuba was communist, Men were men, women were women, a dollar was a dollar, and hamburgers were made of beef. It's all still the same for the most part, but people used to dress up to get on airplanes.
Jason Bailey
good old billy no-hair
Chase Hughes
>Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy.
>I made $3000 opening for the Min and Max Brothers, and they paid me in cash, so I had $3000 in my front pocket.
>That was a bad situation, because then I start to buy ridulous shit.
>Like, I bought a Joker venom emergency repair kit.
>Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about the Joker anymore."
>Then my friend bumped in a mime, I said, 'Lay down.'
>...
>A Joker venom emergency repair kit... is a body bag.
Joseph Martinez
Lil billy bitchtits
Tyler Rodriguez
is it sad that the joker mass murders are funnier then these guys
Jaxon Ward
>I'm not saying I understand Darkseid...
>But I understand Darkseid.
>Like, you ever look at something really dark, something really just NOT OKAY, like a holocaust documentary or the manifesto of a serial killer, and hear a little part of your brain say, "maybe he wasn't TOTALLY wrong about the Jews?"
>And you're horrified to hear that, of course, but it's YOUR brain, so you kind of, you kind of just...follow the train of thought?
>So I was listening to a podcast on Darkseid the other day, and I want to make clear here that I DON'T support eliminating all free will and hope in sentient beings. I'm against that. I'm as against that as you can be.
>Well, I mean, I'm MOSTLY against it.
>See, I was listening to this podcast and the narrator says, just like this,
> “DARKSEID SOUGHT THE ANTI-LIFE EQUATION ABOVE ALL THINGS…AS IT WOULD REMOVE FREE WILL IN THE UNIVERSE.”
>And suddenly that voice in my head is chiming in, saying, “Are we SURE he’s the bad guy here?”
>I know, I know, surely he’s the bad guy here. Of COURSE. But remember, this isn’t me, this is just a little voice. A whim. Just…my brain asking itself questions.
>Questions like, “I know losing free will would be terrible…but wouldn’t it solve most of our problems?”
>I don’t support cosmic genocide, I don’t. I’m glad the New Gods and the Justice League stopped him. Absolutely.
>But isn’t the abolition of free will kind of what beer and television is for? I mean, zoning out and not even remembering your drive to work—that’s kind of a great start to the day, right? I mean, that’s a day worth marking in the calendar: ‘Didn’t exist for 40 minutes this morning. Best part of day.’
>I mean, we’re all after the anti-life equation. I’m not saying we should WANT it…because we shouldn’t. Definitely not. I’m just saying, is it POSSIBLE Darkseid was just doing our jobs better than we were?
>If they sold pot that removed free will, you'd probably try it ONCE, right?
Asher Cooper
Ol billy boozebag
Christopher Clark
>Killer Moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, Moth?”
>Killer Moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Oswald Cobblepott, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Oswald Cobblepott knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to.
>My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Drury Walker Junior… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…
>Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
>And Killer Moth says, “‘Cause I’m here to rob the place.”
Jaxon Campbell
Classic Norm