Washington – Jerome Powell, Federal Reserve Chairman, stated at a recent press conference that people who save money are idiots. “If you are saving money you are a complete idiot,” Jerome Powell said to a crowd of reporters. “With interest rates at zero and hyperinflation in the near future there is literally no incentive for anyone to save money. Only chumps are saving money in this environment.”
Jerome Powell continued to say how the Federal Reserve was doing all it can to give people incentives not to save money. “Look, the Federal Reserve’s sole purpose is to make the stock market go up and not down. A really good way to get people to buy stocks is to drop interest rates to zero.”
Theoretically speaking, the lower interest rates are, the more likely investors will buy riskier assets such as equities. For an example, back in the day investors could get an easy 8-10% return in bonds and sleep well at night. If you are looking for an 8-10% annualized return these days, you will have to find them in the equity market given where interest rates are currently quoted at.
“President Trump uses the stock market as his score card,” Jerome Powell said while hanging his head in disappointment. “My sole focus is to make the stock market go up. The best way to do this is through quantitative easing. Don’t tell anyone but when those junk bonds we are invested in go bust the Federal Reserve will be the biggest owner of United States equities the world has ever seen. We will be like Black Rock times 100.”
Over the past 50 years the United States has went from being a net saver to a net spender. The average saving rate for most American families is less than 8% per year. “Why should I even save money,” Kelly Watson, 45, said. “The bank I have my money in actually takes money out every month because interest rates are so low. I just spend all of my money on this crap made in China right when I get my paycheck.”
“Kelly is as smart woman,” Jerome Powell stated. “When the U.S. Dollar goes into hyperinflation mode everyone will spend their entire paycheck as fast as they can. Since Kelly already spends her entire paycheck when she gets it, it will be much easier for Kelly to transition into an environment of massive hyperinflation.”
Central Banks across the world have begun stocking up on gold at a record pace. “Oh yeah,” Jerome Powell said smiling. “You betcha I’m long gold. Do you really think I’m dumb enough to keep my savings in U.S. Dollars?”
Bentley Phillips
Thank, just exited all markets and am now sitting in cash
Sitting on 23k USD. Imagine believing this snake in the grass bastard.
Dominic Scott
younger generations are fucked hard in the ass with politics of letting no consolidation happen. This is one big scam on young people. In the end you'll have to buy babyboomers inflated stocks and housing when they retire
Nathaniel Diaz
based
Isaac Bell
ITT: low IQs who can't even understand it's a joke after the first 3 lines
Michael Cruz
Thanks just stuffed 100k in my mattress
Mason Lee
Kek. But it goes to show, the world is so crazy and central banks are so destructive, that this could easily be something they might say.
Christian Brooks
The joke article isn't wrong though. Just stuffing your money in your bank account is stupid. You just need to keep enough liquid cash to take care of routine spending and any unplanned expenses that might pop up from time to time. Everything else should be invested in something.
Julian Ramirez
This
Thomas Hughes
>Everything else should be invested in something. Everything is about to dump hard
Luis Wilson
No, that just means that you are so fucking out to lunch that you believe the stupid shit that CNN and the Washington Post writes about how Trump is manipulating the markets via the fed for his own political gain.
Jose Mitchell
Onion article? Must be.
Nicholas Hernandez
except this is 100% the truth but they just wouldn't say it out loud.
David Carter
Are you retiring tomorrow? No? Then who cares
Gabriel Gutierrez
Just buy gold
Easton Jenkins
If true, this should be a red flag to start saving immediately
Caleb Jenkins
Thats why crypto staking and other DeFi projects are important. So the next generation can kick these kikes to the curb and have a real way to invest that isnt controlled by a psychopathic central authority.
Blake Phillips
Same. What to buy?
Cameron Cook
Mein kek, that site has some decent shit.
Aaron Ortiz
It's satire, of course, but most retards here seem to believe it's a serious article.
Michael James
We keep telling them but they aren't listening. They get what they deserve....
Also buy some Silver too
Cameron Nguyen
This article is trying to be funny by saying the truth in a silly way, but it's the truth. Saving dollars is fucking retarded, and that is what Powell has effectively said. This website needs to get much more ridiculous if it wants to actually be funny, right now it's just depressingly honest about how bad our situation got
Mason Wood
Man fuck trump this was our chance and he sided w the ducking boomers. Vote the bastard out of office he fucked us
Lincoln Sanchez
>the federal reserves sole purpose is to prop up the stock market Wrong. The federal reserves soul purpose is to prop up the Eurodollar market. The Fed holds the fate of global markets in its hands. Steve Mnuchin is now sovereign over the Fed. Trump has nabbed the Golden Snitch. Patriots are in control.
Is Israel the only thing you shills are able to talk about? Why not address the Eurodollar market? Not included in your npc script? Waiting for the next patch, glownigger? Eat shit.
