today makes exact 2 years that a very dear fren took his life, depression claimed him as Im sure it will soon claim me too, last year I lit a candle for him, but even that day I think I over did it, Im not religious in any way
we met in a forum about poetry, at first only I used to contact him but we became close after a short while, Im sad that he parted but also glad that his suffering stopped
anyways, dont want the starting post to get too big, this can be a comfy thread, suicide was just the starting topic I guess, Im trying to fix my sleep schedule and failing at it ;D
Comfy suicide thread
Christian Davis
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Andrew Taylor
I literally never had anyone dear to me or a true friend should i kill myself?
Chase Green
>was gonna kill self this week
>forgot
>try again next week
Jaxson Fisher
Something about candles is very symbolic and meaningful. Its enough that it meant something to you.
Its actually very sweet that he had an impact on your life and you still think of him.
Oliver Williams
hey there user how are you? I used to get suicidal all the time from ages 14 to 25. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and everything. Now I live as a comfy NEET on disability and spend my days smoking weed and hanging out with people. Tell me about your day!
Josiah Martin
Has anyone else here failed a suicide attempt. Waking up is the worst feeling. Remember eating the glue from the vital readings in the hospital hoping it was toxic. I got transported to the mental ward late at night and the ambulance people were tired and I undid one restraint buckle on the stretcher and was gonna open the back door and jump out but they stopped me. Then when I got to the ward I sat in the bathroom and smashed my head on the metal bar until it bled. I don't understand people that regret suicide right after an attempt.
Alexander Walker
>should i kill myself?
If you still have to ask, no.
Adam Miller
let me tell you user, I only had a true fren at the age of 24 and he was an online fren, I dont have any irl frens and I dont believe I need them, about killing yourself, I really dont want to motivate you in any way, its really scary
heh the second time I tried it came as easily as any other urge, like "Im thirsty, I should drink some water"
ye he had, my first true fren, I will never forget him and will always remember his suicide bday
hey user, Im not going good, but here is it eh, unfortunately there isnt neetbux where I live, or I would live off of it with no regrets ayy, about my day, I was in bed a lot today, one of those that you dont have the will to get out
hmm, I tried a couple of times but I would only say I failed one of those, the other I didnt had the balls to go through with it, wew sounds like you have quite the story there, i love hearing about psych wards, would you care to share one ? I know its a personal thing to ask, feel free to brush it off
Ayden Ortiz
>hey user, Im not going good, but here is it eh, unfortunately there isnt neetbux where I live, or I would live off of it with no regrets ayy, about my day, I was in bed a lot today, one of those that you dont have the will to get out
I understand my friend. I don't think I could survive without neetbux, I have schizo affective and so I can lose it pretty easily. I'm sorry to hear you spent all day in bed, at least if you didn't enjoy it. Hopefully parts of it were not so bad. Do you like music or books? What kind of stuff do you do for fun?
Josiah Cox
i'm sorry you lost a friend
i hope you won't suffer as badly in the future days - there are times that are pretty bad, but even at my lowest i think there can still potentially be good/interesting things to keep looking out for and living for
Jeremiah Sanders
I cant hold a job for long tho, waging is too soul crushing bleh
manga counts as books right ? heh then I read lots, like 15 mangas at a time minimum. for music is synthwave, carpenter brut and dancewiththedead are my favorites, I re-watched samurai champloo the day before yday and been trying some nodeathruns on ds123, funny how I must have like 200 new games ready to go but I find a lot of solace in old ones, how about you user, how was your week and what are the things you enjoy, tell me about them in detail
Asher Green
ty for your kind words;D
>there can still potentially be good/interesting things to keep looking out for and living for
major depression makes things not worth the effort, but ye I can see what you mean
Luis Wright
I wanna become a foster parent as an alternative way of starting a family
Based or cringe?
Grayson Rodriguez
I completely understand not being able to hold a job. That's what it was like before I was schizo when I just had depression. I would get a job and do ok for a week, and then start getting in trouble constantly like a week later and then be on thin ice for a couple months then fired or quit for no call no shows. I guess manga kinda counts, have you ever read "onani master kurosawa"? It's really really good, you should read it sometime. Synthwave is ok, I used to listen to lazerhawk. My one autistic friend recently showed me a song by carpenter brut that was good but I can't remember the name. He also turned me on to power glove who I fucking love and need to listen to more of. I'll check dancewiththedead out as soon as I finish the album I'm listening to right now. Samurai champloo is great, I've been meaning to rewatch it. I kinda wanna watch escaflowne because I always wanted to see it as a kid but never got to but I tried watching the first episode with some friends the other day and it seemed kinda cheesy.
My week was great, I got my stimulus payment on wednesday at 1:30 am and so I pulled an all nighter and went and bought weed as soon as the store was open. Then I saw a friend the next day who I met in the mental hospital and that was tons of fun. We hung out at a park and he drank and I did a bunch of dabs. Then his mom came and got him and took him home. Then I pulled another all nighter and hung out with my friends a bunch and I am super proud of myself for not blowing my stimulus on a bunch of random shit I have been super good about it so far and I think I am actually going to really enjoy the things I do get with it so I'm happy about that. I really like music and hanging out with people and talking about life and how we feel and whatever is on our minds and just yeah. I like cute things and boys (I'm gay) and I am kind of sad because there is a store in pike place that has tons of cute clothes but they're closed because of corona.
Robert Edwards
i'd be doing a lot worse without vidya/media or substances, to be fair - i've had symptoms too for probably at least 20-25 years so i understand where you're coming from
everyone has to work through it and be high-functioning in their own way i guess, if you don't have a crutch or medicine to help you (i haven't for years)
if you can afford it and feel (emotionally?) up to the task, why not?
i don't think i can be a parent so i commend you
Jackson Green
Some might say you're a cuck, and technically they'd be right, but if it makes you happy, and it'll probably make the kid happy, go for it. Life is cruel and lonely, any chance to find someone and be happy with is good.
Brayden Baker
maybe 5 years ago I was in the most fucked up mental state, looking back now I was so severely mentally ill and just didn't realize it. Anyway I tried to end my life, very sincerely, and in my mind thought it was basically impossible for me to survive. I had done all my research on LD-50's, read all the suicide manuals (final exit etc) and managed to amass a fatal OD - a combination of multiple benzos, opiates, alcohol, blood pressure meds, and sleeping pills, in large amounts. I remember sitting at my desk with a mortar and pestle and setting it all up, swigging my spirits and getting all the powders into toilet paper sheets to bomb. Anyway I didn't really think much, bombed it all and went and lay back in my bed. I don't remember thinking anything significant or meaningful, and then [scene missing].
I later learnt that I must have gotten up and fallen through my near floor to ceiling window smashing it, which awoke my parents who called an ambulance, and my stomach was pumped, intubated etc within 25 minutes or so. I spent over a week in coma. I have no recollection of anything for a week and a half at least.
I 'came to' in a hospital ward, for some reason it was a dementia ward (I think the other wards were full). There was a catheter in my penis, and I had never felt physically worse in my entire life, as if I had been hit by a truck and head my head smashed in with a hammer. On top of that I was in heavy benzo withdrawal. I had no idea how and why I was alive, and I couldn't believe it. I think later on the day when my parents turned up, and were at my bedside and I was lucid for the first time, was the lowest point in my entire life. My mom and dad were holding me, they looked pale and worried, mom was distraught and asked if I was glad to 'be here'. I answered sincerely "no" and just broke down. Why the fuck was I still alive? Mom started crying, dad didn't say much.
Christopher Richardson
thank you for sharing user. has life gotten better for you? i sincerely hope it has.
Leo Ramirez
Later on in the evening a female doctor and some nurses came and talked to me, in a very familiar way. I was quite confused, I told the doctor I had no idea who she was, but explained to her my benzo withdrawal (I was shaking and shit, dead man walking) thankfully she got me some loraz. Turns out for at least a day or two I had been having conversations with these people.
A strange nurse also approached me later on, from some eastern bloc country and told me some horrible story about how people would wheel dirt around from their neighbours bombed out yards for their own vegetable gardens. The next morning I convinced them to let me shower, and desperately tried to find a way to hang myself with no rope or anything in the fucking shower, with nothing to hang off. I spend about a 3-4 days in that ward, with the crazy dementia people, and then 4 weeks or so in a psych ward, which was horrific. I had got to know a girl very well in there, we had a little thing, would hang out and make out and I fingered her in the art room, but she hung herself in the bathroom there.
Anyway, it's 5 years or so since then and looking back very frankly, I can honestly say I wish I died then. The past years have just been more misery, suffering, pain, loss, and just the general malaise suffering and dissatisfaction that is the core of human existence. If I could take back my birth I would.
Isaiah Gomez
wholesome user hope your quarantine is all good.
Thomas Russell
Life sucks, I hate the world, the situation I'm in, I think I hate parts of me too. I can't really imagine anything really ever getting better, but I don't feel like killing myself yet. Sometimes I feel alright, when I can forget everything and get caught up in some transient joy.
Evan Cruz
I responded already, but no. On a more personal note than my other post, my long time girl friend recently hung herself, the last 5 months or so have just been horrific really. I can't deal with the loss and depression and despair. I've been living drugged and drunk near 24/7, I break down and cry near everyday (I'm a grown man). Knowing how suicide affects ones loved ones personally I just feel almost obligated and bounded to the world, which is awful really. I see that suicide doesn't really end pain and suffering, it just transfers it to those around you who love you. I find long, near aimless drives help to just zone out.
Angel Jackson
>tfw forgot to load gun and sat for an hour thinking about it, only to realize my retardation.
Jacob Cook
How do you operationally define agony?
Joseph Gutierrez
sorry for taking some time to reply, I get distracted easily and I type and think slowly
I havent read this onani master kurosawa, I will give it a go for you. definitely check out dancewiththedead, i love their stuff, "out of body" is my favorite album, samurai champloo was even better than I recalled you gonna have a good time with that one. sounds like youre doing fine around people, its so easy to just drift away from them, I did that for too long and now theres no coming back from a lot of them. you mentioned a fren you met at the mental hospital, I love hearing about psych wards and such, mind telling a story ?
I wanted to volunteer to help at a special kids school for a time, then I realized I was only gonna use those kids for my own motives and they dont deserve to be around people such as me, idk if it applies to your circumstance, I read a nice phrase the other day about the right answer might no be the same for everyone, so who knows
Im trying to as you said, work through it, and if I dont have enough in me, but i tried my best, Ill be gone with at least one less regret
thanks for sharing user, honestly idk how you survived all that, maybe some people are just stronger than others, wew that was some story, I like psych wards stories but sounds like you had some tough times there, what about that girl tho, have you had intimacy before that ? I wouldve been lying if I never thought about going to a psych ward just to try to make frens heh
ye life does suck doesnt it, i think the only thing I can certainly say that I hate with all that that word means, is myself, what do you do for those transient joy moments user ?
wew thanks for sharing such personal things user, that state when the only thing we are trying to do is not cry and breakdown and we cant is definitely the worst, I havent thought so far ahead how my death would impact my parents, they would be sad but to what extent
Brandon Diaz
wew I hit the character limit, anyways, ye you seem way more acquainted with the suicide topic then I do, even tho today is the 2nd suicide bday of a dear fren and I tried it too twice, goes to show that we always have something to learn, ayy I used to do long night walks to zone out too, did them at work, now I aint working so havent done them in a while, but maybe I should get back at them. you sound wise in a beautiful way user, bleh its kinda gross now that I think about how Im finding your sadness beautiful, Im sorry about that, any lighter topics ? idk how to transition topics after that one ;D
hehe thats kinda funny, what gun do you have user ? I never shot a gun before, gun laws around here are pretty strict and the only things civilians can get are pea shooting handguns or old bolt rifles I think
Isaac Evans
initially i was going to use a mossberg 500, but for some reason i didnt want to. maybe because itd be quite a mess to clean up, shotguns to the head are very gruesome and violent. so i decided to use a glock 23, a pistol. i also have a glock 43x, but that used a weaker caliber so i just went with the bigger one. i have a few other guns, some of which are my dad's.
p.s. thanks for the tomoko image, she is very cute.
Christian Jones
have you ever gone hunting ? if I had a gun I would totally try that heh, let me check what a mossberg500 looks like, the glocks I reckon all look kinda the same, like the glock from cs1.6 right ? aw man that mossberg looks sick, damn it must make you feel kinda powerful holding something like that eh. ye I heard shotguns make some damage, I talked to an user couple of days ago how I tried kms riding a bike once, and he said he thought about it too(isnt it nice how other people can give you such perspective?), it would just be seen as a bike accident and not suicide prob, I think it would be way better for my parents to not think themselves responsible or failures cuz I kms you know
ayy tomoko is a sweetie rite ? heres another one
Robert Ortiz
Hey sorrow where are you
Tomorrow just won't be the same
Without you here
I'll wish for shoulders bold and broad to bear
And strength to hold my head above them
Cause I just want to be
Something more than the mud in your eyes
I want to be the clay in your hands
Cause Gloria is silent
And glory is a silent thing
Connor Rogers
>Hey sorrow where are you
>Tomorrow just won't be the same
>Without you here
>I'll wish for shoulders bold and broad to bear
>And strength to hold my head above them
>Cause I just want to be
>Something more than the mud in your eyes
>I want to be the clay in your hands
>Cause Gloria is silent
>And glory is a silent thing
Lucas Foster
youtube.com
I wish you could put your ear up to my heart
And hear how much I love you
William Thomas
>last year I lit a candle for him
I dunno why but that made me feel a lot about emotion. Your whole story did. Thank you for sharing.
Noah Jones
>you mentioned a fren you met at the mental hospital, I love hearing about psych wards and such, mind telling a story ?
I can tell stories about times I was in mental hospitals but they're all kind of blurry and weird because I was in psychosis. I don't really remember a lot about meeting evan just that we talked about rap and stuff. He's really cool though. Do you have a discord? I'd love to chat more off site
Robert Turner
ye np, I usually dont share such personal things on an opening post but... today was special, and I still believe this place, even tho by now infested with normies and bait and such, still is a place where we as a community should try to interact with each other, I have no place else where I belong