Letter Thread

Letter Thread
Hope its better for you

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I want to apologize. I've been thinking about what you said to me and I really don't understand it. I looked over all my posts and I can't see why you see me that way, though it doesn't matter, you do and that is your choice to think whatever you want of me. It was upsetting to be portrayed that way by you so I cut ties. Maybe I wasn't even reacting to you, just cruel things other randoms post to make people upset. You were doing that that day I came in and said I wasn't there. I've been putting my name to stop it. In any case I come back today and see more negativity back and forth that seems to be aimed at me. I just wanted to say you were talking with randoms and judging me again. You can go ahead and do that, it doesn't bother me because I know who I am. It's just hard for me to see you (I assume) get so worked up over shitty posters. I think I also realized that I have no idea what sets you off and if I did that in one of my posts I am sorry. I didn't intend to make you angry. In any case I just want to tell you that I'm not here so you don't have to argue with randoms and get upset. It doesn't feel good to be thought of that way, but I have to assume you did it for you for some capacity and I'll take that because it's better for you. Good luck with everything. Bye

pro: you cured my schizophrenia
con: you cured my schizophrenia

ehm.

What pen is this?

I suck at communication. Especially when I am not actually talking to another person face to face. I also wanted to say I'm sorry for anything I projected on you. My letters were always meant to cast out and I never expected. I was hopeful but it was for me. When you answered i answered to that same ideal even though that person does not exist. The time I got upset were with that ideal. I tried to change my mindset but somehow I would read certain things and think they were to me and go right back. It seems me doing this has been bad so I just wanted to let you know im sorry. I know I can't fall back on disability or trauma as an excuse. I just don't want it to be left as I'm some crazy. I guess if doesn't matter because you decide and I just accept. I never knew you and that's a shame for me because the times I felt we actually did talk were good. I'm compulsive when I'm upset so Im sorry for writing again.

my mind feels more clear than yesterday, and the day before yesterday

i am not saying that i am happier or more satisfied with being alive. maybe i am. there is definietly something changing. i still feel like shit though.

something about inverting the order of how i look at the world. it was inner world over external world, but it seems i am understanding that this works the other way around. external world over inner world.

i secretly wish you read my anonymous letters. i do not know if you would be interested in them at all. i must be projecting. acting on things that do not exist. forming expectations around it or whatever.

Dear A,
Have you moved on yet? I wish I could.

Is it possible we could stop projecting and acting on expectations that don't exist? Just 2 people writing? Or do you think I burned the bridge to scorn?

Are you trying to move on? I'm not.

i have no idea who you are and what are the things you are interested is what i mean. i have no idea of what your intentions are, how you look at the world. what you saw in me, why you treated me the way you did, everything.
if you were planning for this outcome even. i have problems naming what i feel. i think i am afraid of you. idk if its fear.

like being called out in front of the whole class
youtube.com/watch?v=2N7NTHSdquw

i just want to chill mate, slow down on the phd level philosophy

i still haven't checked that email. i still won't, for the reasons i said in that post.
there's no point. you've made your decision right?
but if you want to find out if i'm who you think i could be, say something that only i would understand or ask me a question that i can answer.

>all these people with discord drama passive-aggressively talking to each other
>my entire friends list barely even knows I exist
I wish someone cared enough about me to bitch me out anonymously. I don't even get that.

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I should be able to talk anonymously about the things that make me sad without a bunch of assholes tracking me down and hounding me over it.
If I'm in some position to make you look bad, well that's your fault, asshole. I have been given no opportunity adjust that, so fuck you.
One more time: Fuck you. I will say whatever I fucking want about the ways I've been wronged. If that inconveniences you somehow, I do not fucking care.
Do not ever try to threaten me again.

P.S. And there's not a damn thing you can do about me reverse engineering your gimmicks.

are you who i think you are? rb? i doubt it?

a

One of the things I am afraid of, is how big this really is. I would feel bad if it involved 150 people or something. But again, this is something I make up in my own mind and I just can't stop doing it. Like, even if it is, so what?
I am getting closer and closer to a break through in this area.
On one hand I admire your creativity, I think I can tell for sure this is one of your traits.
I am terribly self-conscious about my past self. About my uniqueness. Maybe not *terribly* because it does not really look who I am anymore. But I am self-conscious about it to some degree.
I hate this post I am writing right now. What will make me feel worse than posting it, it is how inane it really is in reality, contrary to what my mind makes me believe.

chances last a finite time.

You are afraid of me? That doesn't feel good. I never intend to make anyone feel that way.
You had a string of questions so please allow me to use this format for clarancy
> no idea who you are
I think you can determine me a bit from my stories or poems but I agree they are circumstantial and interpretive, so you don't know me. I don't think I ever really knew you either. I was writing for me and I think you just answered and fit that role. I dont know why you did that. When you did I continued writing and that was wrong of me to believe I was because that person does not exist.
>what are the things you are interested
Reading, writing, science, space, underwater, tech, vidja, disability advocacy (I'm trying , I swear)

i have no idea of what your intentions are
> I'm just going through life. Honestly I don't think I have intentions? I just wanted to mention that if you did like talking to me that we could talk more.
>How you look at the world.
Unseen. I want to travel so bad and am working to making that trek to experience it. It's exciting but also scary.

> what you saw in me
I really did not see you. I don't think I did. I was writing to the ideal.
> why you treated me the way you did
I should never of been complicit in believing that ideal was real. I played into it and that was wrong. I feel bad that I impacted you that way. I have Asperger's and I'm still figuring things out myself.

> if you were planning for this outcome even

I am not sure what you mean by this. I think it's my fault that I played into my delusion. I don't know why I did. I tried to stop but somehow I got confused and kept going.

Honestly if you are afraid of me then maybe it's best that you dont. I don't want to be a negative thing in anybody's life.

I apologize if in wrong but I feel I can see your writing but I can't grasp what you mean. Am I supposed to understand? If you could address what is to me then it would help me.

This hits home. I feel bad about it, because it makes me feel like an idiot. And I deserve it. If I did not felt like I deserved it, I wouldn't feel bad. I can't say I dislike when you do this to me, I feel bad, but I like it. What makes me feel a little bit bad and sad is that you never wanted to point this to me earlier, you never had a business in determining this about myself in the first place, but I cannot say I am angry about it or something. It is not like they made a science out of this right, and I keep doing it, I keep letting my attachments react to symbols like this one, maybe because they resonate to me at some level. I think it is beautiful and I feel bad that others do not feel the same way. Makes me feel like a weirdo. I did not even proof read this, I am going to end up addicted to this rush.

I think I can understand the anxiety. I have that as well and my thoughts start to go faster and jump. For me it's best to stop what I'm doing and take a break. Something distracting. I also know that when I try to go back to what I am anxious about then I become avoidant. So I'm hoping for the best. You do you. I'm glad we are better to a degree? I'll be around and if you decide to respond to my writings go for it. It would help if you addressed it though. Whatever your initial is or you can just say one. My name is Mike though.
If there's anything else ask me directly so I can give you my answer and its not for you then you can throw the axe.

Isn't distraction a coping mechanism coming from avoidant patterns.

I felt that too. I should of not given into that feeling and perpetuated a delusion. I should of said something.

I think resonate is a good word. If you think of people like a solid note. Some are even multiple notes. We all walk around signing our notes. Ours met and they resonated.
Is that the same as clicking with someone? I think it's different but I can't quite put a finger in the word.

ehm. I do not feel anything here, Mike. Maybe because I do not feel like there is anything to feel bad about it.

I just wish it was true some of the other things you said.

Absolutely. A coping method for recovery. Are you familiar with autism spectrum ? everyone's is different. I have what's called a invisible diagnosis. I'm diagnosed but no one would fall unless I spend a considerable amount of time around them. I tend to think mine works it's like a CPU, and when set out to a task I overclocks. Faster, efficient , but prone to mistakes and overheating.
I balance that in a couple ways that I won't extropolate unless you want me to.

Nobody can give me the things that were dangled in front of my face to waste my time. Nor can anyone give me back my time so I can go look for the real version of those things myself.
You took them from me, literally at times. You also found a very sore spot and made it even worse.
If God inspires me with ways to warn others, I won't be disappointing him. If I find myself with the tools to send you packing, I am going to use them. If that leads to hard choices for you, then I do not care. I will not shed a tear if your whole thing just dies.

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Please extrapolate if you like. That sounds interesting.

You aren't making sense and I do not feel anything. Maybe this is not something I feel insecure about and this is why I do not feel anything.

Tell me about autism.

No problem. You aernt obligated to feel anything.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say I lied.
Could you tell me that so I can understand?

Because I make up things in my own mind and I want them to be real. I wish you were a real thing Mike. I wish.

P
Our future does not look bright. I don't want to be the one to tell you this.
F