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>5/3/1 is the best program

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SL and SS should have a bit less squats and twice as much bench and OHP, and both can actually be done on the same days

Most routines do not have enough volume

If you’re overweight and out of shape you should be barely able to walk out the gym when you are done

SL should be 5x8

As intensity goes up, volume must come down and vice versa.
Simple as.

Nope, that’s fucking stupid

For the over 50's or retired strength athletes maybe.
Yeah, probably a fair take. Rip did a q&a recently where the question was from a guy doing SS with bench and ohp on same day and Rip was just a bit "hmm careful doing that" but not flying off the handle with yndtp or anything.
Useless meme advice
No, it should be 3x5
Yes.

Calisthenics is good enough.
Ottermode is ideal.

you shouldn't aim to be "good enough".
you shouldn't lift for women.

I think every novice would be better off doing 5x3 for the main lifts then "bodybuild" the rest of the workout. The judge of progress with these lifts is your 1RM which is best trained with more sets less reps. Nobody cares about anything past the first rep, that's a fact of life. Doing 5s and shit for chin-ups is a waste of time unless you have an explicit goal having a 2pl8 chin-up or whatever.

Bench press gives you way more results than overhead pressing. OHP should be an assistance lift for when your bench stalls. How I would do it is ride the bench press as much as possible and when you miss a rep go do 1-3 weeks of OHP in its place then go back to benching. That or just do the OHP after with less intensity. Once you can bench 2pl8, 1pl8 press is not an issue so I really don't think you have to worry about detraining your delts. I think Rip has too much nostalgia for it and that's why he gives it equal focus for no real reason.

Upper/lower is the most logical split. Squats blend with deadlifts and you can put lats on lower as well to keep your v-taper since you should do them 4x a week anyway. Get a resistance band and do curls at home. With the band the time under tension is sickening and even the light bands have 35lbs of resistance at the top, where it's the easiest with just dumbbells.