Anyone else constantly consider suicide here? This isn't a get help thread, let's just talk about our reasons

If you know, you know.
Orighiijnal

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I do not look forward to anything anymore, whenever I "enjoy" something I am just forcing myself to enjoy it, and everyday I have to play the fool for my mother. When I was little she always said I had a face like I ate shit all the time, just like my dad, so I forced myself to be a clown and fill over the silence with stupid laughs and fake disgusting personality where I would try and make people laugh and this always carried on, since then I feel like I only have had one person I could call a friend and the rest I could never connect, always trying to have a funny non confrontational personality full of repressed anger inside.
My dad, I think he was always putting a certain distance from my mom because it was too troublesome, whenever something happened she would cry and act like a bitch (sometimes with good reason), I am not clear on this but I think my father forced 2 abortions on her because they did not have the means to support more children (I have an older brother) and after that I was born, and when I showed discomfort my mother always tried to """protect""" me so I was never """forced""" to do things and my father saved himself trouble and left it at that, I never learned anything from him or from anyone from my family.
For an outsider perspective we were always a happy family, but I was never happy. I went to male only school and was called bad things all the time for being tall and little slow sometimes, I had acquantainces, but just to talk sometimes in the classroom, I could never get into the groups to play in recess, and being slow I was not good at sports and I did not try to get better I feel to ashamed being looked while fumbling around, most days sucked balls and when I came home and was not able to play the fool I would go to my room and stay there, and then I would hear my mother talking on the phone with her friends or my grandma about how I was intolerable, an impossible child, had a bad attitude and shit eating face

It is funny whenever you talk to people about it they assume that anything that makes you want to kill yourself is fixable or they just throw out vapid platitutes like find a hobby. If there was a fix i wouldn't consider it every day for the last 10 years

I later came to realize that she did not mean to hurt me, but was looking for a sort of catharsis on her own, she has depression and like 2 other diagnosis that she uses almost as a way of introducing herself, but I could not reconcile the mother who always talked with sweet words to me and would say I was terrible and an impossible child on the phone for a long time seeing her caused the pit of my stomach to ignite with anger. Going back to school, I was a good student, one of the best, I applied myself seriously and diligently, but I never got anything there were even more applied childs on the class and I was bad at sports, and I had shit eating face, somewhere inside of me began eating me away. Whenever I tried to ask to something on my own initiative I would get told off, if I wanted to wash the dishes, cook or try and do the laundry I would get told to go play or something, and maybe this was normal for a child. My parents wanted me to play and enjoy myself, but I always felt really useless and quickly got a bad attitude and wanted to do things less and less, I was a clumsy and unruly child and would get fits of anger and break things without meaning to, and if I wanted to clean my parents would tell to go away that I was being a bother and they needed to clean up, and then each time I felt more and more useless.
I always feared and loved my father, since I was little I got into videogames and anime so I would spend my free time doing just that, so I would get told to stop watching cartoons all day, but my mother would let me even if it was prohibited by my father and I would escape all my troubles with playing videogames and watching cartoons and when my father discovered, he would say how I only did that on a demeaning tone, I began to feel like I was an unworthy child.
I began to hate most things related to school, and the lunch there was downright disgusting, but I tried to think that it was alrgiht because I was smart, sports were for idiots

I am going to type my entire life story, I feel like it, and maybe I will end myself one of these days.

am I was better right? or at least I would want to though so, I have not though this but then I began elementary school and I sucked a lot at drawing, and my brother was really good at that, so I began to dislike it a lot too, that is when my grades began to fall a little whenever a drawing was needed. And the people who called me bad things as a child were always happy with their friends, were popular and got along with the teachers, and I was just a nerd. I had difficulties making friends and whenever I did something bad I would feel awful and would not know what to do, and I began to slip, sometimes I failed to do my homework, and so I had to do it in front of my mother. And I remember clearly that day I did not know how to do a math problem and asked her if she tough I could fool the math monitor ( I planned to fill the page with operations to see if I would get an okay for the homework even if I could not do it) and she told me: What are you saying? just hurry up and be done with it. And I crumbled, for what was I trying? everything sucked, so why was I trying hard, did I mention that she would always cry and cry alone in her room? and I could only go to my bed, under the cover.
And things began to crumble, and I failed a subject for the first time, I expected a reprimand, but nothing of the sort came. My parents just said:If you do not feel bad about it, then okay.
But I wanted something to be expected of me, to feel as I had a purpose, that I could give something of value, that if I tried it would be worth it, because there were people waiting to recognize me. And as a child I began to see everything as worthless. I would take the laptop from my dad backpack and night and the use it until morning and return it, I would piss in bottles, I would do the homework in the bathroom, but everytime school began to be something I disliked more and more

I would stick my hand down my throat to vomit and play sick, I would act feeble to not attend classes. Because I became big I was not bullied, but as a child with no relatvies who had daughters, I notices the differences, others began to talk about girls and sex and I wanted to play games, and was called gay as a joke and looked down upon in subtle ways, by this point I was being eaten alive by my inferiority. And I began to slip more and more, and I would have to make excuses and look at the teachers with pleading eyes, tell them that life was difficult for me and they would make it easy, but I had to almost grovel and the popular kids with some jokes (and maybe some cash) would get even more help and I feel rage. Another thing I remembered and that has stuck with me until now, is that always when I heard someone talking in a corner with another person I would feel paranoid, and feel like they were talking shit about me, like they though they could easily badmouth me and that I would do nothing about for this I have to thank my mother that always looked like another person over the phone.
At some point I stopped doing anything, I never studied, never did homework on my home, I though that I had special qualities so everything would work itself out that I was smart but lazy, I fooled myself into disfunctional behaviors to protect my last ounce of confidence, I though that most were beneath me to protect myself, aside from some quick uptake on math and good memory I was truly useless but I fooled myseld even I was really dumb and clumsy.
I ran fast so I tried track, but aside from running I was really useless, I sucked at jumping, javeling, obstacles, everything, so I stopped training, I was not fit for it I would tell myself.
The only thing I was recognized for was being really good at english and my parents never stopped praising that point, but I felt like a rat, I only learned cause I read manga and my speaking was elementary school level

Thanks for sharing lifestory. Here's a free (You) for effortposting, will read later because drunk rn.

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How could I be praised like that? why could I not be recognized for other things when I put effort into them?
At some point girls came, but it was useless, from the beginning I knew I was a sperg and when they came I confirmed it, that I would always belong to the lesser group that I would always be considered a loser. I could not talk to girls, I would blush and get tangled, once I even suffered the whole
>he likes Sofia
and the whole popular kid group would chant and that dammed bitch just said ughh in a sign of disgust.
At some point I got a computer for school and I filled it with eroge and began to fap, with the time it became and addiction, and if I had to say my main tags were incest and male domination, I never had attraction for my mother, but without myself knowing I always wanted to feel like I was in control of my life, like I had power over something, what a sick delusion.
Other important things would be when the other supposed nerds like me all knew girls form extracurricular groups, family friends or extended family, I truly though I was the most worthless worm that one could bring his sight upon. I could do nothing, I was not special, I always notices I was the odd one out, even if I made
>Friends
I would always be the one left out. I only ever was a dull acquaintance for other people, even if someone considered me a friend, I could only think of myself like that.

With time my father tried to force me and do other things related to farmwork but I always wanted to escape it, I though I was going to fail, that if I was told to do something I was going to do it in a bad way without meaning to and he would tell me
>see you can do it if you try
but I only saw it as mockery, so I sought refuge in my mother, I hated her, but did not want to do anything, so she let me avoid work, and my father though of me as useless as a result and I hated myself and everyone else. I remember how I would get told I was asocial

I cried, why I am so pathetic?

In reunions and the like and I did not know how to interact with both adults and people my age, so at those times I felt like a blight upon the earth. It was torture, they would ask about school, about girls, about my future, but what could I say? I did not have real friends, school sucked, how I was supposed to get to know girls and I wanted to think there was not gonna be a future.
Other important events:
Once I was gifted a voucher by my parent wo supposedly buy whatever I wanted, and I went for toys and candies, and when I went to buy them my parents admonished me, left what I brough around somewhere and just bought me clothes. And then I felt that I always made the wrong decisions, that no matter what I didit was gonna be a failure.
Even my loser cousin got himself a gf and I remember how we both got into MMO and I was too shy talk with other players, and he was not, he told me man how can you not do this? and I stopped playing.
I had lisp, and even though I was only good at little things I even got a prize for my results at a national exam, but even so I was still treated like a retard by some, nothing mattered.
My cat was mauled to death by some shitty dog and I was the only one that was told about it because my mother felt bad and could not keer the secret, my brother is still blissfully ignorant of the truth.
The only one I talked about anime with """"grew out"""" of it and treated it like something childish.
I saw my father dick, and it was big, never had I feell so emasculated, I would have preferred to see Interracial porn for a month instead of that, even now the image is still there on the back of my head.
Everybody clapped for each student when it was time to reach for the graduation diploma and when it was my turn there was only pure fucking silence, in front of my parents and the whole school it was obvious I was just a fucking loser.

I began to habor an irrational hate towards women and I almost puked when I saw a fat girl panties.
I did my best and tried to perform with a band, I even told all my """friends""" to come and nobody did, and some fag after the performance told me that I played bad and it ruined all my months of effort, now I do not wanna ever get myself involved with something like that again.
I had to go to the fucking Prom and sit all night like a retard together with my parent because I did no know how to dance, a guy even told a female friend to dance with me but I was to embarassed, and I still do not know how to dance.
And almost every week since I have memory my parent would always argue like retards and my mom would cry and take like 20 pills to sleep.
I could go on and on and on for like 100 paragraphs more, but for what??????????? fuckckkkkkkkkfieovncaw`, bofuocw, nobody is even going to read this fucking shit, what I am even doing?
I did not know what I wanted and got in a random useless career at uni, I never took anything seriously. I got told I looked like a virgin to my face, my brother once told he was glad not to be at the very least and a part of me died right there!
I do not really know how to do anything, and find ways to procrastinate in everything. Going to uni I have always felt like a cockroach, like a clown, I drank energy drinks until I almost had a heart attack did disgusting things when nobody was looking, lived by grace of the pity of others. And I have never felt like I was happy to be alive, I have tried for years but cannot get myself to get rid of my fear of failure, masturbation is the only moment when I feel like not dying, this wishy washy life that I cannot rid myself of, I would have liked to not be born at all.