The White Race's Apology to the Black Race: A Solution to the Black Race's Complaints and Our Common Problem
To the entire Black race living in America, we, the Adamic, pink complexioned race (better known to you as the White race) that came to these shores from Iceland, England, Ireland, Scotland, and Europe, apologize for freeing you from slavery by fighting a horrible war among ourselves that cost the lives of almost two million of our own race and totally wiped out an entire way of life. We apologize for continuing to fight among ourselves over that very issue, even though you’ve never told us you appreciate our freeing you.
We apologize for splitting to pieces our entire race the world over to take sides with you to help you survive and become a freer race. We apologize for forcing the rest of the world to outlaw the slavery which your ancestors had practiced for thousands of years, even though many nations on your home continent still practice it today.
We apologize for thinking we could civilize you when you have proven that it is indeed an impossible feat, a feat beyond anything we could have ever imagined.
We apologize for introducing Christianity to you and dragging you away from the Voodoo you previously followed, although you have managed to sneak that religion back into cultic Christianity and our people have accepted it, which is attested by their animalistic whooping and hollering and stomping and screaming instead of respectfully worshiping our God as they ought to.
We apologize for teaching you to add and subtract (what little you can), thereby enabling you to run a household and pay your bills (what few you will) and count your children other than on your fingers and sometimes toes when you have so many you run out of fingers.
We apologize for providing you with medical care instead of leaving you under the witch doctors you used before we arrived, as a result of which you have been able to survive all sorts of diseases to multiply in massive numbers beyond what you could have without these aides.
We apologize for building schools for you which we have had to repair over and over after you vandalized them beyond use. We apologize for inventing computers and the Internet, neither of which you use very much, but when you do use them it’s mostly to bash our race.
We apologize for building factories and businesses that employ you, if you so desire to work. We apologize for creating millions of bureaucratic jobs within our government system simply to give you employment, instead of leaving you to find work on your own.
We apologize for promoting and buying your music, although you refuse to buy ours. We apologize for talking and acting as you do, although you refuse to talk and act as we do.