After explaining what the internet is to him, aides are helping the 72-year-old sex offender make a video announcing his candidacy next week
After encouraging speculation for several months, former Vice President Joe Biden has decided to run for the presidency for the third time in his sad, depressing life. Having utterly sacrificed the element of surprise and squandered several months in which he could have been raising money, Biden is reportedly filming an announcement video for the YouTubes, which he has been assured is popular with key demographics that hadn’t been born the first time he ran for president.
The most former of former Vice Presidents is widely expected to be a cinch for the Democratic nomination; partly because the DNC is as corrupt as the Chinese Politburo, and partly because who the fuck else are they supposed to run against Trump? Biden, according to seasoned political observers, strikes a generally acceptable balance between nominating a candidate with actual ideals and nominating an inanimate carbon rod that’s been painted with the party colors.
Questions have swirled around Vice President Biden’s past during the runup to his announcement. Specifically, political analysts under the age of 40 have questioned whether Touchy Grandpa is serious, whether he’s fucking serious, or whether no, seriously, is he fucking serious?
The former Vice President has done little to discourage the firestorm of controversy that seems to follow him around, given that he publicly molests underage girls who become visibly uncomfortable in proximity to him. Last month, the candidate from the #MeToo Party endured a welter of too-little/too-late public accusations from women that he had done to them the sorts of things the public has literally watched him do a hundred goddamn times. Pressed for a statement, Biden shrugged and said:
Democratic Party insiders have voiced doubts about the electability of Candidate Biden. One DNC employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said:
Another, also speaking anonymously, agreed, saying:
About the issues themselves, the candidate has been largely silent. One notable exception came last March, when the white man who wants to be president told an audience that white men fucking suck, and that America was better off without them. Performing an impromptu live-action interpretation of that Gillette ad, the former VP went on to say that “white men have got to change,” and “we can do better.” Biden then theatrically drew a finger across his brow and nodded toward a 14-year-old girl in the audience, which observers say is his signal to Secret Service agents that he wanted her bathed, dressed and delivered to his hotel room later.
He is also apparently on the payroll of Iran or some shit.
While Vice President Biden prepares for his big announcement, questions swirl around his chances against the incumbent pResident Hambone Blormpf. Washington insiders say the public perception that Trump will wipe the fucking floor with Biden may be mistaken, as the former VP can allegedly advocate for even more power and influence to be shifted toward the Jews, thus “winning” more support in the crucial areas of Wall St. and Hollywood. Analysts have been skeptical of this claim:
However this works out, one thing is clear: Joe Biden may be the single most memeable candidate since Pants-of-Shit Hillary, and it is Zig Forums’s duty to make sure the old whore dies with an ulcer for his leading role in the ongoing genocide of our people, which has been the only consistent theme of his centuries-long political career.