Aiden's name becomes lower case after the broadcast because Rachel realizes how much of a bitch he is in comparison.
As a Grammar Nazi, I am still duty-bound to inform you that that is not proper English.
Reviewing the PDF:
Aiden, on the other hand, was clearly in a panic. he was in the corner and shaking violently.
Either change the period after "panic" to a colon to combine these sentences or capitalize the following "he" because it begins a new sentence.
She imagined a Nazi kick down the door, Pinning her against the wall, exuding immense strength from his training for the revolution, He would have His way with her, all the while with aiden watching, petrified …
Change "kick" to "kicking" to maintain consistent tense. Downcase "Pinning" because it's a verb in the middle of a sentence. Change the comma after "revolution" to a period. "He" starts the next sentence.
What was going on, she thought.
This needs quotation marks at the minimum.
< "What was going on?" she thought.
I still suggest changing it to first-person active voice:
< "What am I thinking?" she thought.
Rachel wanted to correct him but she was too afraid do so.
Insert missing word "to" here for "too afraid to do so" if you don't want the full edit I suggested.
which she handed to the Man which she was beginning to notice was very broad shouldered.
Second "which" should be "whom"—-how did I not notice this earlier?
walked up to towards
Drop "up to" to leave "walked towards" here.
It was then that Rachel realized what the Man must have seen: "Aiden is wearing his cuckold necklace."
Drop the quotation marks and change to past tense. If you insist on downcasing Aiden's name in this part, do so here as well—-it does not start a new sentence due to the preceding colon.
a voice came from the front of the Van.
Downcase "Van" here—-it's neither a proper noun nor does it begin a sentence nor is Rachel in awe of a box on wheels.
Confused Conner replied "What?"
Insert comma after "Confused" here—-as written this implies that Connor is known as "Confused Connor" which is clearly not the impression we want of him.
Understanding now over came Connor …
People aren't normally overcome by understanding. Another choice is to swap the words:
< Understanding came over Connor …
One of them exclaimed "She's getting off on this?" Rachel thinks to herself
Insert "as" just before "Rachel" to link these sentences and sneak in the tense shift even better than I did.
"Fucking Degenerate." He then unbuttoned his pants and whipped out His …
Splice the quote into the sentence:
< "Fucking Degenerate." as He unbuttons His pants and whips out …
Also be consistent after the shift to present tense—-all later events are narrated as they happen, so to speak.
And be consistent with Rachel's idolizing her Nazi captors, too.
I didn't previously review past this point. I will withhold comment on the degeneracy depicted.
Rachel kneels down and a swallows His cock.
Delete "a" here.
"First of all." Conner replies …
Change the period to a comma and insert another comma after "replies" here.
we have been saving for to today
Drop the "to" from this sentence.
At first Rachel didn't understand
Keep consistent present tense.
revolution were pempt up sex starved
Change "pempt up" to "pent-up" here.
At this Rachel goes at the blow job
Drop "At this" here.
in front of so many who hates
Change "hates" to "hate" here.
while one hand goes to fondle His balls. The
Change the period to a comma to combine the sentence with the following fragment to make a complete sentence.
laugh a jeer
Change to "laugh and jeer" here.
Rachel's need to relive that fire that is in between her legs.
Do you mean "relive" or perhaps "relieve" here?
just as his cock goes
Consistency—-capitalize "his" here.
Consider combining with previous sentence. I suggest:
< Rachel needs to relieve the fire between her legs so badly, just as His cock …
Connor began …
Tense—-change to "begins" here. Several more lowercase "his" and "he" referencing Connor in this and previous paragraphs.
He hand was moving faster than it has ever been.
From context, this should almost certainly be "Her hand" here.
He cummes longer
Never seen that word before. The usual form is "cums" here.
She has come so close to the edge.
Not clearly present tense. I suggest:
< She is so close to the edge
t. Anonymous Grammar Nazi
Grammatik macht Sieg.