Is there even a point in being a leftist if you've totally given into depression and withdrawn completely into the hermit lifestyle? I don't have any hope or optimism anymore, it is gone. I have searched for it for at least a year now and I know beyond all reasonable doubt it's gone and isn't going to return. I pretty much think the basic ontology of philosophical pessimism is 100 percent true and that, while challenges to it such as Absurdism and Existentialism (and even religion to some extent) are admirable and worth studying for the philosophically curious in their own right they more or less just amount to copes. Seeing things in a scientific socialist fashion doesn't bring me any positive feelings as I don't really think analyzing the world as it is right now through the lens of dialectical materialism leads to any joyful conclusions. At best it produces neutral and tautological assessments of the present state of Capitalism which most can see even of they aren't Marxists and at best it reveals logical conclusion of current trends across a myriad of phenomena which are deeply troubling and make me severely anxious and that only seem to make me move further and further away from reality.
I'm not trying to be edgy either, please don't misunderstand me. I'm just speaking about how u personally feel, I don't think I'm smart or anything or that everyone should just give up. Quite the contrary, if my perspective convinced any one to abandon all hope I would hate myself even more and I know that the proletariat, particularly in the 3rd world, can't afford to take the blackpill or even entertain its implications and I don't want them to. I don't want porky to win but I don't care enough to help the revolution emerge in any meaningful way. I've already made my peace with suicide and am just waiting for an elderly person who I still care about to pass away so that I can go knowing I didn't distress them. I don't want to change and am not going to.
So why call myself a leftist? I am nothing but a hikkikomori lumpen who has done absolutely nothing to further the cause of socialism in the least. My life has meant nothing. I am sorry