One day I'll get all the project managers I can find in a room and give them a GCSE maths paper to complete. Every five minutes I'll tap them on the shoulder and say "Can you stop what you're doing and move onto question 10?" and "How is your progress going on question 5?". Once every twenty minutes I'll make them sit in a small room and talk on a conference call where someone is screen-sharing a Jira instance with all the questions marked as Jira tickets and I'll ask them to t-shirt size each one. Then, at the end of the three hours allocated for the paper I'll ask them to stop and explain why, when the estimated time for the paper was three hours, they haven't completed it. If I’m really cruel I’ll tell them that it’s a first draft and to stick any old numbers in as the answer and then they can fix it all tomorrow.
Of course tomorrow will actually be the second maths paper. I’ll also choose one person at random to skype call with a room full of shouty people who want to know why, when they add two odd numbers, they keep getting an even one and WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT!
Have you guys ever stopped and pondered what you're doing with your life? Like fully reevaluate your life choices that led you to this point? You buy cheap mousepads with your favorite memes and anime girls on them. That's sad. And not the kind of sad that makes you think of a young girl with cancer. I mean the kind of sad that makes you feel an amalgamation of pity, shame, and disgust. You put memes on a piece of rubber so you can move your mouse over it. I want you to really think about it. You may take me for sarcastic. I understand Poe's Law is a bitch. But I really do feel pity for you. Like actual legitimate pity. You need help. The kind only some professionals can give. The kind that can show you the light. Look at yourself in the mirror. Is this who you want to be? Is this who you thought you would be when you would grow up? Is this person someone who could make their younger self proud? Parents? Grandparents? Siblings? Are they proud of what you are right now? You put memes on mousepads. Memes On Mousepads I don't cry often. I've only cried maybe twice in my whole life. But seeing you guys. Putting memes on mousepads. I well up. I can feel the tears forming. My eyelashes are the nucleation sites. I have a profound sadness for each and every one of you. At your funeral. When you're gone. Do you think your parents would still respect you? Knowing you put internet memes on your mousepads? I want you to think of the saddest sentence in the English language. Got it? I don't think you've found it. The saddest sentence; the one that makes a grown man cry; the one that girls weep at uncontrollably; the one that even starving African children hang their heads for: "I put memes on mousepads". Stop what you're doing. Let go of the mouse. Don't even think about typing on your keyboard. You can change right now. I believe in you, I really do. I don't think you're too far gone for saving. The first step down this long journey… Simply tell yourself "I will not put memes on a mousepad". Get a job. Find a girl to wed. Have children. Grow old knowing you did something with your life. But to be completely honest with you. Honest with ever single one of you. You are getting nowhere putting memes on mousepads. Believe you me, mousepads aren't the problem. If you want a cheap mouse, Godspeed. You deserve a pad to place your mouse on. But to be so sad and unfulfilled in your life as to put internet memes on them? Is it really worth it? Is it worth the 99 cents? Answer that for me. Is your dignity and the respect of others really worth putting a goofy meme on a mousepad? One that you won't even laugh at. You'll simply purchase it, wait for it in the mail, take a picture, and show it off to your internet friends who might smirk that you put a meme on a mousepad because they are knowledgeable of said meme. Put a picture of your family; a monument; your favorite band, movie, or art piece. A rising sun. Flowers. Graffiti for you artsy types. But what on God's green earth would posses you to put a meme on a mousepad? I get it, we all go through tough times. I'm sure at one point in my life, I would've considered putting memes on a mousepad. But I've pulled myself out of that rut. I have respect for myself. My self-esteem is higher than ever right now. You can be that way too. There's no reason you can't be happier. Just stop putting memes on mousepads. "Memes on a mousepad". That is a sad, sad fucking sentiment.
Every 5 minutes go up behind each one of them and ask if they're done yet. Do it for me.
John Collins
And that is why I'm no longer part of le industry. Agile was a mistake.
Mason Flores
Yikes; imagine being mad that someone expects you to do your job?
Henry Lopez
Yikes, imagine gay business types attempting to (poorly) formalize and implement a seemingly viable methodology. Should the customer come up with the overall product and features? Obviously, the business designs the gun. Whether or not it ends up shooting them in the foot later down the line is one them. Should a bunch of horse shit be done to manage the implementation of these features? No. The features should have their precedence with respect to how soon it's desired. Then the development team should come up with what they believe are logical "pieces" of work and an ETA of how soon that can be finished. Since it'd be purely dev. people in those meetings, things will actually be converted into "shit that makes sense" terminology & vision.
Christopher Long
Shoot yourself nocoder
Jayden Jenkins
OP is huge faggot
Oliver Collins
So what, you support the traditional waterfall development model and its very non-agile response to changes in project specifications?
Jack Wood
It's one thing to do your job. It's another thing to be needlessly distracted by your superiors. Programming is a job that demands pure mental concentration for the act of solving sophisticated computational logic problems. Granted that the most common business applications follow the CRUD model and make use of middleware that solves a huge portion of programming effort, there are still plenty of unique requirements that require a sophisticated consideration of logic.
What OP is bitching about is clueless managers who complain about illogical matters. No amount of work is possible to solve contradictory requirements.
