Fuck midwives. They are absolutely useless. The only job a midwife has is to interfere in birth, vampirically enjoy the Oxytocin explosion at the time of birth, feel great about herself for doing absofuckinglutely nothing, and tell you go to to the hospital in extremely rare instances.
Stay healthy, get educated, keep your child's mother healthy (low carb, high protein, multivitamins, exercize, hydration, sleep), and have the baby at home. Use affection and sex to keep the mother's oxytocin levels high, and to keep her relaxed.
Do not employ a midwife. Do not employ a doula (the trend of the "doula" was created by an acolyte of man-hater Margaret Mead to steal the father's role in childbirth and exclude men from their families). Do not involve doctors. Do not go to the hospital expecting a healthy birth. Maternity wards are torture chambers. Women are forced to endure unnecessary interventions from the very start (synthetic oxytocin disrupting biological cycles causing intense pain, and forced supine position causing intense pain and obstruction) which begins a cascade of interventions which 1/3 of the time end in major abdominal surgery. It is all a racket. It is all unnecessary. It is all malpractice.
You do not need a midwife. A midwife's only legitimate responsibility is to determine when there is a medical emergency requiring hospitalization. You are fully capable of knowing these things yourself. A midwife does nothing of value herself. She is a middleman, and a nuisance. She typically has an average IQ, and is likely to make bad calls in a haze of unnecessary panic, while expecting your obedience, in your own home.
Do not involve doctors in birth unless there is an explicitly diagnosed medical condition. Not a statistical likelihood, which just generalizes all the health problems of the fat, stupid, lazy and malnourished women of all races and applies that general data to your healthy, smart, fit white wife.
After extensive research, and having achieved an impeccable bill of health, I will be giving birth to my first child in August at home with only my husband by my side. It will be a peaceful, wonderful day. We live a few blocks from a hospital in case of emergency, but an emergency will not occur.
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