Pretty fucking terrible. I'm in my mid-20s and have essentially wasted my life due to laziness, low self-esteem, an endless ability to delude myself, daydreaming, lack of focus and determination, and fear of people in general. For most of my life I was "that guy", a weird, sickly social outcast who also managed to be a total underachiever.
I've been getting a lot better in the last year, but only because I essentially became an automaton. That's literally the only way I found to be productive and functional. I schedule my days and follow that schedule religiously, I abstain from most things I like (alcohol, porn, videogames, wasting hours listening to music and podcasts and other loser hobbies), I jump from task to task as if I had to hurry before the "real me" stepped in and derailed everything with paranoia and self-loathing. I go to college and work "half shifts" or whatever they're called in english, most of my free time I spend working out, reading and training martial arts, which is btw is something I really recommend if you, like me, were bullied your entire life and abused at home and now lives with a perpetual sense of fear and insecurity.
Being a leftist proved to be really good to this transition btw, because I always have tons of things I want to read about, and if I'm low in motivation I can give political, Guevarian justifications to my lifestyle and keep that shotgun barrel out of my mouth for a little longer. Historical revolutionaries were crazy with their self-discipline too, and I start my day reading a list of passages I compiled from biographies that highlight their habits to give myself something to aspire to.
At best, my life is bland, but that's way better than being the complete trainwreck I was until last year, and although I'm still a loser I at least see a path out of it now. I'm trying to keep chaos completely out of my life, and I feel like I'm a very chaotic person by nature so it's always a struggle against myself. One little thing can make the whole system collapse and push me right back to where I was at the beginning, so I have to be careful.
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