I'm worried I'm not a leftist anymore. For years I was a leftist, but recently I learned I was a leftist for all the wrong reasons.
I was born wealthy, and my parents even paid for my college, so I never personally understood how much capitalism abuses people. But I did have Asperger's and always felt alienated from people. I was even extroverted, and having Aspergers and being extroverted is a hell of a contradiction, it means you need people but have no idea how they work. This kind of turned into a "fuck society" kind of attitude and I dabbled with a lot of fringe philosophies that were proxies for the fact that I couldn't hold basic conversations with people. (Even fascist ones.) When I got to Uni I was really obsessed with why society was so materialistic (in other words, why are Stacy's so Stacy?). I was lucky and fell into an anthropology class that had a reading on the history of consumer society from a Marxist perspective. It blew my mind that that was what capitalism just does. And it also destroyed what they were peddling in the environmental science classes: that if we just change the culture of what's acceptable, we can stop environmental destruction. Nope! Capitalism is driven towards ecological disaster. And you're headed to it right now.
I still think that's right. But I had a hard time connecting with other leftists. They had no idea what I was talking about. I was suffering from double vision. I was talking about capitalism but I was really talking about Asperger's.
All of the old YouTubers I would watch just don't do it for me any more. Theory doesn't interest me anymore. The only thing that interests me now is just documenting all the ways I treat myself poorly, and then doing things about it. I just got fired from my job too, and it's not even capitalism's fault, it's because I don't know how to behave in a workplace. I ultimately think that Marxists, Communists and Anarchists need to win if we're going to address Global Warming, but if I take an honest look at myself, I don't have the skills to be an organizer.
Go ahead, make fun of me for having Asperger's. Nobody asks to be born. I can't hold a job, I can't keep friends, even leftist ones, I'm constantly doubting if I'm saying or doing or wearing the wrong thing all the time. I don't have to be better than anyone. I'm not. I clearly need help. So that's why I'm here.