I also discussed how, a few days ago, I had a brief waver in my concept of reality. Nothing really changed, but for a few moments I was just compelled to look all around my work, and saw as everything just felt different. Like the boxes and pallets and floor and walls were still there, they just felt like they might not be my idea of boxes and pallets and floor and walls anymore. I could still see them, but not so much think them. They wouldn't "be boxes". they would just be, an incomprehensible is-ness. We also discussed the paradoxes developing from the concept of "self", whether we exist over time, or whether we only "exist" for a brief instant. Difficult to even really get a handle, but we agreed that the concept of self does start creating some paradox, so it'll be left behind too, eventually, as a new axiom of the mind takes place.
Now, earlier this week I strained my wrist. Nothing bad, but a mild annoyance, and I decided to focus on that at work yesterday, as a form of meditation, while discussing what causes suffering with my friend. Last night, I had another epiphany and this one was terrifying. It was the realization that I was in no control over the literal revolution that was brewing in my mind, that my sense of self was going to be overthrown just as surely as the bourgeoisie.
The axioms of our minds stay there until they're just overthrown by the new ones suddenly and violently implanting themselves in revolt. Epiphany. I actually felt like having the mental machinery in my head just snapped and suddenly gears fell into different places and turned differently. And I was in actual mortal fear. As my friend put it, I stared into the abyss, and the abyss stared back.
And at the same time, my wrist felt different. The pain of moving my hand around was gone. I could feel the muscles straining, feel them tell me that yes, they're still damaged…the way a machine is damaged. There was no physical pain. It wasn't "hurting". It was just making the neutral, unconcerned report that there was injury there being aggravated by movement. Bit into my finger just to make sure I hadn't fucking lost it and I could feel that pain normally, even as I kept moving my hand to feel my wrist. Got the vaguest pain from moving it really far and straining those muscles in particular.
I'm feeling normal again but I'm shaken by it, I know it's going to happen again at some point and I don't know when, and I really don't know if I'm just going to lose my entire mental structure of the world and be lost in the void, unable to make sense of the world. Trying to not-try to just accept the whole thing but this is difficult especially as I know I'm not the kind of person that allows thoughts like this to go untouched.