QTDDTOT

Idk, they're priests, so raping children is probably like the only sin they haven't confessed

I should go back to and say, "Yeah, maybe they're saved, you can't know" as a matter of technicality.

vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p2s2c2a4.htm
There's more, but I can't dump a whole wall of text here.
As you can see, having speedy access to confession isn't powerful as you'd think(Though having it in first place is rather important). Even then, such a unrepentant mortal sin would be enough to doom a soul to hell.

Reasking :DDD

There isn't an easy answer to this.
Orthodox are schismatics, which is not the same as heresy, so they aren't irredeemable, but they don't make it easy for themselves. I mean even technically speaking, from a Catholic point of view, their rites and sacraments are valid, if not really licit, and in cases of necessity you can fulfil your Sunday obligation, give confession, receive the Eucharist and last rites from an Orthodox priest, but only under the most extraordinary circumstances (i.e. you are travelling in Russia).
Some modernists like to push the "two lungs" theory, but this doesn't fly with a lot of trads, for obvious reasons. Fundamentally, we leave the judgement to God Himself.

Pretty much. Lutheranism is ultimately at the root of the modern "le symbolic communal meal" meme of the Blessed Eucharist, rather than treating it as the Real Presence of the Body and Blood of the Lord.

Find a saint who really resonates with you, first of all. If they have a name close to yours, that's even better.

Catholics have apostolic succession, although there is a tradition that exists that says schismatics don't have real sacraments, including orders (based on the Apostolic Constitution), so some (ie ROCOR when they were in schism, Mount Athos monks) say that Catholics don't have apostolic succession.

We can't just say who is saved and who is not. If we can't say with certainty that anyone who's in the Church right now will be saved, we cannot say with certainty that anyone who's outside the Church will be condemned.
Can one be saved even if they're a Catholic? Yes, but it'll be in spite of Catholic errors, not thanks to them.

I believe some Lutherans have kept apostolic succession, but the vast majority have lost it by not intending to actually ordain pastors to the priesthood to begin with.
Similarly, there are Anglicans who have lost apostolic succession by ordaining women.

I don't know if their consecration is necessarily just a funny ritual though. God alone knows that, and in doubt we should treat with respect any communion upon which it is asked that God brings down His Spirit to make them the Body and Blood of Christ, because we do not have the authority to say God would refuse such a request. But I can't imagine an Orthodox ever being allowed to have communion at a Lutheran parish, while in extreme circumstances it has been allowed before to commune at a Catholic or Anglican parish.

Some thinkers have come up with the idea that Muhammad's revelations did start off as a legitimate thing, he simply went off the deep end.

The angel who appeared to him first tried to kill him, so I wouldn't be so sure.

Islam is still a Christian heresy though, it is based in Christianity. Judaism is a Christian heresy too. And Jehova's Witnesses… And Mormons…

You know, because Islam and even Zoroastrianism are so close to Christianity both physically and spiritually, who knows.

Even if you're laughed at or not taken seriously, your apologies matter. Don't give up!

When I was getting baptized, my Priest suggested the same. I looked at formal lists of saints, did a little research on the few saints that share my first name, and picked one that resonated with me.
With that said, there's nothing stopping you from picking someone else. I know a woman who picked St. Werburga, and another man who picked St. John – neither of those were their original name. Just be careful with your choice because people are supposed to refer to you by the name of your Patron once you pick. If you choose St. Barffhion, people will probably give you a hard time. The woman who picked Werburga is held up as an example of dedication by my Priest since it's a bizzare name.

Ultimately, start with the saints that share your name and move to ones that catch your attention. Research saints that lived in your area and ones that are associated with issues you struggle with. Good luck!