I FOUND THE PROBLEM!!
I actually know those feels, user. My upbringing has left me with trust issues, which translate into my "feelings" that God will betray me, too. They're feelings, they're a response to a corrupted internal dialogue about often erroneous facts, impressions and extrapolations based on actual facts. People too often misuse the word "faith" – "have faith, user" and "faith will lead the way" – until it's a wishy-washy word of little meaning, but it's actually one of the most powerfully solid words in the Christian's lexicon. Don't just have "faith", have faith IN God. This means more than just trust. BELIEVE in God, in God's faithfulness, in God's goodness, in God's trustworthiness, in God's LOVE … not because you can see them, not because you can "feel" them, not because you can divine them from the temperature of the air or some other measurement … but because God Himself testifies – via the Bible, written by men inspired by the very Spirit of God – to His goodness, His faithfulness, His trustworthiness, His love, HAVE FAITH in who God says He is. Do not trust your feelings because aside from being corrupted by your sin, they're influenced by the enemy of God, and are rooting their conclusions in biased and imperfect data.
How do I believe in God? Firstly, become a Christian, if you're not already. Then, READ the scriptures, daily. Spent as long as you can, read them on the train, on the bus, in the very earliest hours of the morning before you actually "get up". Practice this and you will develop a habit, and from a habit will come a change in character, and from a change in character, a change in actions, and soon you will come to realise that your feelings have little of import to say on the matter of God's love. God doesn't love you like your mother did(n't), by giving you a hug each day, His love is in sacrificing His own son for your sake. Meditate on that daily. NEVER underestimate the power of the gospel, for within it is the power of salvation itself.
Pray. Pour our your heart to God, for you do not lack for a patient listener. Don't waste each others' time with meaningless chatter, but pour out your heart, confide in Him, beg Him to make your heart anew. And do it every day. Don't fail, even if it is only the Lord's Prayer once in the morning. It will reset your day, believe me. Then be patient.
Thirdly, and finally, ENDURE. In the New Testament, you will often read about "patience" – what it means is "endure". This is the hardest part in some ways because it simply says "suffer the tortures of your mind lying to you, believe in God, but just live with the pain of that relationship not yet being complete". And it isn't. As Paul himself writes, we look on God, on His love, His goodness and so on, as though through a dim mirror, the barest whisper of a reflection of God, YET we were made to experience Him fully. What agony is the human condition that, I will suggest, even Angels don't envy us our later higher position because we had to endure this life.
Postscriptly, look to Christ. Imitate Christ. He was cut-off, in the same way we are, from the explicit love of God, He suffered insults, tortures and death at the hands of men that should have known to worship at His feet. But He, being their co-author, was immersed in the scriptures, He knew the love of God not because He could see it, not because He knew Himself as God – fully human, too, remember – but because He trusted God's own words. By faith, he knew who His Father was, He knew He was loved, He knew His father could be trusted.
Post-postscriptly, know that the Lord Himself has put you on this path. Your parents' untrustworthiness will be a blessing from God on your life, because it will produce in you – if you will work on it – a rock solid faith that can endure much, that others will marvel at. Make sure to understand, when Paul talks about people being given "the gift of faith", he's not just talking about people who woke up one morning and just believed and trusted God, he's talking about people like you and I who have had to ENDURE this life, and with each sling and arrow, learned to trust God more than most people will know. Maybe one day you'll learn to see that. But, for now, I strongly encourage you: read the scriptures, pray to God, meditate on the Gospel, on Christ, and endure.
God bless you, brother.
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