Feel Doomed and Don't Know Where to Turn

Hi Christian anons. I've struggled with my sexuality for quite some time and it's caused me a great deal of depression. I'm currently not Christian, I'm really interested in Nietzschean Paganism and the like. But the more I see how cursed everything seems to be in modern society the more I think Christianity might be true. Going back to my sexuality problem I had a homosexual experience as a kid and eversence then I fallen deeper into and recently have had thoughts of trans stuff. Last night I had a dream I was back with all my friends from when I was young and was telling them how much I hated the future and wish I could go back and change everything. Also in the dream I remember wanting to be with a girl that I had liked, after waking up I was more than convince this is all a mental illness and my subconscious was really trying to get through to me.

There are many other issues I have but I also have both hope and despair in Christianity and I would really like to have a conversation with either a Catholic or Orhtodox as that's what I'm most familiar with. I don't have Discord but I gotta Skype and it would mean the world if someone would be willing to talk with me. Where do I begin lads, what do I do. I feel like I'm living in a hellscape of a reality.

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It is and you are not alone. I recommend finding an Orthodox church and going to as many services as possible. Regular exposure to the liturgy over a period of time will change you in ways that you couldn't hope to do by your will alone. Your instinct is correct, God is waiting for and can heal you. All you have to do is be willing.

You don't have to be afraid that you can't be saved.

To be fair I am more fond of Orthodoxy than anything else but he closest one near me is
like an hour away. But I can walk to a Catholic church that has Latin mass 3 times a week.

In most things, it's easier to do something that is not sufficient for the healing of your soul, just like it's easier to eat at McDonald's than to seek out and prepare food that is truly nourishing to your body. If you make the effort, you will be rewarded.

The priests there are probably uncompromising about the Faith. Try to get appointments with one of them and ask him all of your questions, he will be of invaluable help to you.

I'm considering it but I feel like I'm just using Christianity as a crutch. I mean I don't really believe in it, although I wish I did sometimes. Feels bad man.

And take what says with a grain of salt. Better to start somewhere than have to drop out because going to THE CHURCH is too much effort. You have a long way to go before you can ask yourself questions of ecclesiology, and if you can't easily go to the Church you want to go to regularly, demons will lovingly exploit that.
For full disclosure I am telling you this as a catholic.

That may be more than half the path. I've started there when I thought I could be Christian purely for political reasons.

It's like being afraid of going to the dentist because of his possible reaction. The priest has probably had people come to him for much worse reasons, just like the dentist has probably seen much worse looking teeth than yours. Just give it a try.

OP back sorry about late reply. The problem is that I don't really believe in Christianity a lot of it seems pretty extravagant or concoctions of the church. Idk man it seems kinda life denying and slavish. Or maybe I've been reading too much Neetch.