My mind is fracturing

Sorry for the blogpost in advance, gents. I just need to get this off my chest.

So, I became a Catholic Christian "officially" six months ago, but have been following Catholic teaching and practice for at least the last three and a half years. This actually originated from a combination of religious inquiry by me over a period of two years, as well as dabbling in the occult trying to prove or disprove ghosts and getting a full-fledged demon instead. I'd tell the story, but I fear its not edifying, nor the point of this thread. This demon altered my personality into an apathetic, aggressive human being that simply did what he wanted to and what he thought he was obligated to do. The presence of this entity also increased the frequency and destructive quality of my flawed human nature.

After living with this creature for years, I finally managed to get rid of it for a period of about a week and a half thanks to a layman doing some prayers of deliverance over me and daily prayers together. Now though, I've backslid yet again, and regressed even further than where I was before. Some of my sins are so vile to me that I'm afraid to confess them to my priest, and he's the only practical one available due to my work constraining my time. It doesn't help either that my priest, it seems to me, appears to be avoiding me, since I've witnessed him skipping out on an appointment with me even after we made plans and verified he was free a day beforehand.

As time goes on, my fervor has died to basically nothing but a warm coal and, frankly, I've accepted that I'm going to Hell and made peace with that fact. That's not to say I don't want to go to Heaven, but that I know I'm just too far gone to realistically be able to even get to see the sandal of Christ I'll be judged so fast on my deathbed. Heck, at one point I was trying to convince myself to stop being Christian altogether. Herein lies the problem, however.

With all this in mind, I'm conflicted. I want to do great things for the world so at least I'll leave behind something good before my damnation, and at the same time I logically can't deny the correct option at this point is to simply kill myself, since I'm going to Hell anyway and its better to save God and myself some time. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, since my friends are all busy with work or school, my priest avoids me, and my family and I don't get along at all. I want to love God as much as He love me, but I can't, just like I can't do a lot of basic human skills like cooking or car repair. I have no redeeming qualities except perhaps my IQ, but who really cares about that when I'll never be able to get into a position to take advantage of it. I'm an emotional abyss where very few feelings exist, and those that have are weak and don't last long. I've got a demon that won't go away, and to finish it all off, I can't stop thinking about it. It consumes my mind to the point hat I become anxious at work and can't focus on my favorite activities anymore.

I think I might be starting to develop a form of psychological disease at this point and don't even know if it's worth the resource it'll take to keep myself alive when I'll likely never be anything but another run-of-the-mill busywork employee, with no family and no hope or reason to keep going. Where do I go from here? To preemptively respond to some solutions posed to me prior.

Tried, priest won't listen to me.
Tried, they wouldn't let me come without giving them my insurance, which I'm not doing because my insurance doesn't cover mental health (thanks Obama)
Obviously I've done that, but weeks turned into months and nothing happened, and I can't even keep a schedule because prayer is simply not something that crosses my mind unless something reminds me.

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I'm sorry you're feeling such anguish, brother. But the answer is never to kill yourself. Your flesh and the demons are lying to you, you are cherished and loved by many, and if you were to take your own life, you'd cause so much more pain to those around you. You don't need to do anything good for the world. God's already done that. The answer is to focus your time and your attention on loving those around you.

I'm seeing a lot of "me" and "my" in your post. Focusing on the self leads to death, but focusing on the Lord, his love, and loving the people in your life is the meaning of our existence. Get out of your mind and make somebody else feel better. God will bless you for bearing your cross and living for him.

why is that?

I don't want to seem dismissive by acting like there's a petty aphorism for what seems to be a complex situation, but you should keep that in mind especially before doing something so drastic.
You also should fear not about being too far gone. The Bible says that reprobates don't even wanna retain God in their knowledge, so if you desire God you are capable of saving.
As for your priest avoiding you, I'll give you this word of advice: a lot of people wrestling with demons will feel paranoid or have feelings of persecution, especially by church figures. So you definitely shouldn't jump to conclusions. Obviously, I don't know you or your priest so I can't give you a definite answer, but don't give up on him. However, if through repeat behavior over a long period you determine he truly is avoiding you, contact your bishop. A priest is meant to be a shepherd, he can't just avoid black sheep's in his flock.
While I know that's not the point of your post, cooking is so ridiculously easy to learn that I fully believe 100% of people who "can't cook" just have never tried. Obviously don't start with soufflé, but most recipes are just
1. Gather ingredients
2. Add heat
So that could be something you could occupy your time with. It's a wholesome activity that you will also be improving yourself while doing. Once you get to a decent level (not hard to do) maybe volunteer at a soup kitchen to do good and help people.
I wouldn't recommend an exorcism. Read narratives of exorcisms from the Bible and from exorcists, and the daemonic are always clearly out of their mind. Heck, I was told by someone who's brother is an exorcist that The Exorcist movie isn't an inaccurate portrayal. You seem like you have a decent enough head on your shoulders that a full blown exorcism just wouldn't be necessary for you (like my earlier point about reprobates, the possessed NEVER ask to be exorcised). If all you do is pester your priest for exorcisms, that may be why he avoids you (still a bad thing for a priest to do). Maybe trying to get a sit down and calmly talking about your issues like you did here will help. Also, most churches and monastery's have holy water (for sale or even for free). Getting some of that could protect you and probably ease your mind.
As for your point about that being the only priest available, I don't want to sound rude or mean but I sincerely doubt that. There is probably at least one other Catholic church or community near you. If you have looked and found nothing, I understand, but I just really doubt there's nowhere else for you. Even if you can't regularly go to another church, surely there's somewhere in a one hour radius that you could email the priest of and set up an appointment on any special day where you have lots of free time.
Also, one thing that helps me is praying and then instantly reading my Bible. I don't know how much of your Bible you've read, but if you haven't start now.

I always have a hard time taking threads like this seriously, mostly because ops like yourself don't reach out to other priests for consultation.

If you're legit possessed its manifesting alot a like an attention starved teenage girl.

Get off the internet and seek help at a different parish.

I mean this is harsh but not that wrong. I can't fully take OP at face value even though I do feel for him
Seriously, you must have days off. Look for another Catholic church within a one hour radius of you and set up an appointment to go there
Costs a lot less than killing yourself dude

I know what you mean, but it'd be limited in scope due to my introverted orientation and demeanor that seems to put people off.
I've done this before. I can't really tell if I did anything though since what I did was just having a QA session to distract them from a home issue, not to mention I lack empathy in almost any respect.
I don't have many other ways to view things, sadly.


He dismisses demonic activity as "superstition", when I brought it up with him.

cooking is so ridiculously easy to learn that I fully believe 100% of people who "can't cook" just have never tried.
Can't wasn't the right word, yeah. It's not that I can't, it's more like I get bored quick and don't want to keep checking on the food, so it's my fault on the cooking thing.
There is. My work schedule keeps me occupied during the week and on the weekends they have their services so early that I have to wake up at 5AM to make it, assuming the traffic isn't backed up like always. Last time I did go when I was unemployed, and the confessor was way better.
I've read a lot of it, but it's not consistent books because, once again, I get bored and like to jump around. Still, I'll give it another try and see if I get anything different this time around.

Completely understand your viewpoint. Don't want to waste time with an amateur opinion when the person writing this out hasn't tried all possible options yet. I'll try and go to that other one, as I mentioned above. It's hard to think straight when you've got all this stuff going on, so it helps to get more input. I appreciate your time.

Unfortunately, a lot of Christians reject anything supernatural these days. Not telling you to BEGOME, but maybe go to an Orthodox Church and ask if they can help. They take these things more seriously. Preferably not a Greek one because they seem to be the most beholden to modernism these days.

What work of man exists that God is too small to forgive it?

Get a prayer buddy or an accountability buddy.
Set an alarm or write a sticky note and put it somewhere so you pray every day.
Don't let your faith continue to be shaken.

Don't take them seriously. It is literally the same OP every time.

I don't have any qualms, but the closet one is over two hours away, sadly, and in the middle of the state capital.


It's not so much that I think it can't be done, more like He won't because some of my "smaller" sins I have no contrition for. They were intigated over petty situations, but the root cause was people holding double standards that have no reason to exist.
I tried that, but nobody is available due to their work. It's a good suggestion, but doesn't work solely due to circumstance.

Have a webm for your time.

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God forgiving sins isn't an action upon individual sin. It's a general grace granted upon the entirety of the soul.

Your deluded. God forgives sin in totality, purification of the soul on the other hand is different. You are currently dirty, focus on cleaning up your inner life–it'll bound outward into your general personhood.

Pray not just for your self, pray for others.
You never once mentioned Love, which is worrying to me. I do not think you give anyone the chance to Love you, not even your self.

OP I haven't read all the responses in this thread to you. But I have read some comments that you have responded to. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through and can't really even think to how shit that would all be.

However you are wrong in many areas, the demon has manipulated you to the point where you have accepted the fact that you're going to hell. That there is no salvation that you're a reprobate, etc. That is the demon working on you, feeding you these things to give up hope. I'm sure you're quite aware of these things as well.
Again, the demon trying to cut off all avenues of escaping and allowing him to damn yet another of God's beloved children.

I can't really address every point in your original post, but I will give my advice here and I sincerely hope you do not take your life or give up yet. As someone in the thread has said, find some time and visit another Priest. Or do it on the weekend or something. And I'd like you to print this your post off and just give him all of what you've given us, let him know ahead of time you may need a fair bit of his time as you're having a lot of spiritual difficulties. I ask that you print off your OP as that way you won't leave out details that may help the Priest understand a bit more about your problems. IE, Family, Demons, Worries of psychological, Other Priest being afraid and dismissing you, etc.

I believe that you will have a much better chance if you find another Priest. And if you can't find a Catholic Priest that genuinely listens and doesn't dismiss you as superstitious or crazy (which I know a lot have gotten to this point, thinking demons are just a metaphor or something) take a weekend or a sick day (hell you sound like you need one) to take the 2 hour drive to an Orthodox Church emailing the priest in advance that you need some spiritual guidance. I imagine they won't screw around with this shit.

Finally OP remember this. God hasn't given up on you. You're going through a hell of a lot and I can't necessarily say why you haven't been relieved yet. But heck, when you get out of this and renew your Faith you'll be extremely strong in it. God loves you. God will never give up on you. As long as you hold onto faith in Him, He will not abandon you. So don't keep giving in to these thoughts in your head telling you you're damned, that you will never be fit to be in his presence. (I mean not even the saints are, so stop beating yourself up about it) God forgives all sins when truly contrite. You are contrite. You want to be with God, and the demons wish to take away His beloved son.

Please don't give up OP. Take the time to visit a serious Priest. Don't take you're own life, and don't give up on your Lord. Please keep us updated OP, I will start praying a rosary for you starting tomorrow.

God bless.

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In addition to my last post I remember writing that you're contrite and I thought you might mention.
I don't know what these are, but I believe us Catholics have something about out conscious as well when it comes to sin. Though a lot of it seems to have taken an awful reputation as of late with pro-sodomy and pro-fornicator priests and the likes saying remarried people and active gays can take communion if clear of conscious or whatever. But in this actual setting I believe you may want to give it some thought.

Another thing of note is the fact that you have no contrition for them. However I imagine you would like to have contrition for them? You would want to be able to truly be sorry for offending God? Its just that you don't feel you did wrong by doing so? The fact that you want to feel contrite but are just unable in my eyes is a sign of contrition to God. I believe I've had similar feelings in the past myself.

Be like Peter OP. He denied our Lord three times having lived and seen the miracles that he presented to Peter. And even having denied our Lord three times, he overcame this and knew that the Lord would forgive him. Going on to become one of the biggest saints. How lesser are your infringements and sins against our Holy Father than his beloved apostle denying Him three times? If Peter can accept the Lord forgives him for this inequity, then you can too. Don't be like Judas who took his own life out of guilt, not believing our Lord would ever forgive him. Be like Peter.

God bless again user, I'll be praying.

Right, and so if one sin isn't forgiven due to the lack of contrition, doesn't that mean none of them are?
I'm not sure what that even means. I know what the concept of love is and all, and the way I try to enact that is improving myself and doing what I can to help others improve. However, you may have a point since if what I'm doing isn't working, I'm quit to abandon the whole thing because it's a failed attempt.

I've been told this before by a friend, but if I wasn't going to Hell, why did the thing come back after we got rid of it the first time? Seems like I'd have to have done something.
Thanks for the motivational speech, truly.
Can you elaborate on this a little further? I don't quite grasp what you just said.
Maybe, but I'm afraid to make that assumption just to make myself feel better.
I really want to. I just don't want to abuse it and not get better, which is how its been for the last several months. I've made next to no progress and have even gotten worse, so I don't think that being forgiven right now would do much good.

You are obviously penitent if you fear the Lord about a specific sin.

Love isn't about helping or improving, It's about understanding and being patient. The way you are reacting to the priest shows me you have no patience, and have little love. Forgiveness in your heart must be worn at all times.

You seem completely work driven which is wrong. Do this, do that, get grace - that is how you are behaiving, stop.
Just because your trying to help others does not mean your doing it for the grace of good spirit, in fact you seem to only do it to justify your faith, to "prove" your faith, this is honestly shameable and Jesus would call you out for it.

Long shot, but is your 'demon' a waifu?

Great webm, Singing in the Rain is a good movie too.

I imagine purely due to the fact that its spent much time screwing with you so far. It hasn't given up on trying to bring you to damnation with itself. As for how it came back, I'm not too sure.

Can't find any solid readings on the conscience however I believe I found something on contrition for you.
"With a resolution to sin no more, you don’t have to “feel” contrition. Contrition is an act of the will, from my understanding, that is preferably accompanied by a feeling but often is not. A requirement of absolution is contrition either perfect or imperfect. Imperfect contrition would be, for example, someone who doesn’t want to go to Hell. Perfect contrition is always done because the person loves God and is sorry they have offended God. “Feeling” the contrition is also a grace from God. You can ask Him for this grace and if He wills it He will grant it to you. If you repent of your sins, preferably but not necessarily because you love God and know you have offended Him, and you resolve to sin no more - your absolution is valid. You don’t have to feel the sorrow. From my understanding, it is possible to have perfect contrition without actually FEELING sorry for the sin. Rather, BEING sorry for offending God whom you love above all things. Also from my understanding, Love is an act of the will that is preferably but not necessarily accompanied by a feeling. Saint Faustina points out that all merit is in the WILL, if I remember right. That means it is about what we WILL and not what we FEEL. In fact, fighting our feelings in order to Love gains us more merit in God’s sight."
There you have it even if you weren't contrite to God you may truly have wanted to confess for offending, and at the very least you went to confession to avoid hell right? Either way you have confessed your sins and have received absolution.

Now if you are still believing your confession is insufficient and the like you may suffer from scrupulosity. Give it a read and see if you think you fall into it. If so I guess it can help to be aware of it and you may be able to find help? Feel free to chat more to us if so.

I don't believe you're abusing it user. First try to accept the fact that the Lord has forgiven your trespasses and accepted your confession. Then try to rid yourself of thoughts telling you you're a reprobate and condemned to hell. Which are hollow thoughts I know as its easier said than done but tell yourself none the less.

You need to find yourself a good Priest and talk to him about all of this. Find a local parish, get their email and send them a long-winded email and ask for a meeting. If they give a sincere response you're probably in good hands and that may begin to help you. If not, reach out to that Orthodox parish 2 hours away they'll give you an exorcism I'm sure.

Again user, do not lose hope. Keep on fighting even if there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. God will not forsake you. Until then I'll keep praying for you.

I enjoyed the webm thoroughly it made me quite happy

Archangel Raphael prays for the sick, I know you said you tried praying but whatever you do next, do not forget to ALSO pray.


I had the same hunch.
Have you ever seen the Tulpa meme? These tumblr and anime idiots are giving themselves mental diseases to be cool.

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Impressionable people falling for internet memes and actually self-inducing schizophrenia. The horror.

You've got to be kidding me guys

It's from singing in the rain, literally this is the same soundtrack. What the hell are you talking about?

youtube.com/watch?v=zFAlZttXfvE

That webm occasionally does the rounds on /monster/, so I thought OP might have got it from there, and that the demon he referred to might have been a waifu.

Without knowing more about the particular sins, it's hard to help. You have to be able to seal the particular doors by which the demons/sin entered and exploited.

I wouldn't say I have no patience. The reason I responded as I did is because if you agree to something and back out without telling the other party(s), it's a waste of time and a lack of respect.
It's my nature, sorry. I'm oriented heavily towards results instead of intention. It's a personality flaw, I guess.


No. I just like the video and thought it was fun. "Waifus" disturb me as a form of delusion for the people who take that stuff seriously.


They never do, do they?
I suppose that's correct. Really, I just don't want to presume anything and end up screwing myself over even more than I already have. As a side note, going to Hell as a reason for going to confession never crosses my mind until after the fact. When I go, it's usually because I sinned and don't want to live in a state that displeases God.
I'm going to email that church tomorrow so that way I can set up a time on either Saturday or Sunday to talk with them. I don't know how busy they'll be, but I'm going to try all possible options, as you all have suggested.


They're primarily sexual sins, as I'm sure you all have come to expect from 98% of all the posts on here. The second most common sin for me is making stuff up to inflate my ego as a self-defense mechanism from a fear of being regarded as a failure. I'd get more specific about the former category, but one of them in particular is my trouble sin, plus you guys could likely guess what I'm referring to since you've seen it all before.

Also, sorry for the ID change. I'm using a VPN currently.

DO NOT DO THIS
THIS IS NOT TRUE

You’re never too far away from God’s love- you can always achieve salvation if you covert to Him. Seeing as how you have, command the demon, assuming it’s actually a demon and not a misconception, and demand it to leave in the Name of Jesus Christ Almighty, and it will flee. If nothing changes, then it wasn’t a demon, or you had too little faith. And suicide is never the answer; if you can’t afford a psychologist then there are resources available to you get past the monetary problem that stands in the way between you and mental health. God be with you, OP.

You definitely sound scrupulous to me user. Martin Luther had scrupulosity as well as he never believed he could be truly forgiven. Some theorize this part of why he created once saved always saved due to the constant guilt and pressure.
Also you're not going to screw yourself up more than you already are. Remember that you were already accepting hell as your eternity. That is the lowest you can be.

Thats even more reassuring to your case. You're not going to confession due to selfish desire to avoid hell. You're going to confession as you know you have done wrong against God. This convinces me even more you truly are contrite when going to confession. Even with all the struggles you're facing you're still fighting to get closer to God. God knows your mind better than you do and will see all the things you're doing to get closer to Him, even things you yourself will ignore to brush away due to your current line of thinking.

Please user, try to have a bit more faith in God's infinite love and abounding mercy and compassion that He feels for you. Remember that you are His child, and every parent loves their child through thick and thin, no matter what they do. Even more so when they're trying hard to make up for the faults they have committed. Have faith and accept the fact that God forgives you of your sins. And instead of dwelling on the sins you have committed in the past (and been absolved from), try to be thankful for the grace he has bestowed on you that helps you overcome the sins as long as you do before you fall into them. For we cannot overcome these sins alone, it is only through God's grace that we we withstand them. Alone we could not last but a fraction of the time.

That was some recommendations my Priest gave to me the last time I was at confession. I spend a lot of time dwelling on guilt and sin I have committed, constantly praying for forgiveness and apologizing to the Lord. When I should spend more time thanking Him for helping as far as He has and to keep asking for Him to continue to outpour his Spirit on me.

Think of it this way OP. You're doing well in the fact that you are consistent with the same two sins. If each time you went to confession you started piling more and more sins up it would be worrying. It will take some time for you to overcome your sins. I went over a year without falling to masturbation, only to fall for it thrice over the course of three months. One of the occasions only two weeks after the first. This after a series of masturbating less than 3 times over two years. You do backstep after progression, but don't let it bring you down for too long. Accept your forgiveness and strive for more holiness.

Without going into specifics about your main sin, I imagine its a particularly deviant fetish or something. Is there something that triggers that urge/thought to arise? I myself found that I apparently have a very big kink to anime thanks to rule34 in my younger years and an addiction to masturbation. So I've turned off all images in imageboards that I browse to help me out in that aspect. And any time a sexual thought about anything comes to mind I loudly pray the 'Hail Mary' or 'Our Father' or simply pray the Lord rids my mind of these impure thoughts. Its become second nature to me at this stage and it helps not to let these thoughts get roots in your mind or its just going to dig deeper and deeper into your mind until you remove it by satisfying your lust. Don't let it take roots.

Also I'm very glad you are emailing the church for a meeting. Even if a proper meeting takes a week or two to get in, hang in there user. Thank you for taking our advice.

I'll continue to pray for you user.

You reek of avoidin responsibility tbh. That is what this OP smells like.
Change your life according to your spiritual needs, not the other way around.

Also fear is your big enemy.
Overcome fear and confess.

I'm going to guess these sins are sins of impurity. You are too proud. Stop sinning. You are self obsessed. All you have to do is stop sinning. It's not difficult.

You lack the theological virtue of hope, which is necessary for justification. Stop sinning. Humble yourself, pray the litany of humily and pray for faith, hope and charity.

temptation breaks almost everyone. remove as much as you can, gradually. if you're young, it's probably a phase.
tbh i lie all the time to those types of people who think they get to judge or have some right to know my circumstances. If it's a form of protection, i don't see the problem. A lie is about deception.

I've had that done before, and it worked for a while until I slipped into this state again, so I'll do that again.


You're right, user. I'm sensitive to sinning because I don't like to disappoint.
I'll take your suggestion, user. I appreciate all the help, really.
It's not so much a fetish as a curiousity, and nothing really triggers it, it's just there.


How so?


I'm aware I'm prideful, but I would argue about your latter point about stopping sinning being easy.


Even if I took that definition, they're not protective. They're ego-boosting.

Thanks for the advice guys. Since the thread has given me the answer I'm looking for, I'll sage this post.

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I'm glad to hear it user, I hope you're doing even a little bit better than you were a few nights ago. God bless you.